No, I really didn’t go to the park today. I took care of a few errands, did my homework, relaxed a bit after sleeping in until 9:30 this morning. I took a long drive and hung out with a friend. Played Guitar Hero until my eyes watered (yeah, really, played for four hours straight!) And now I am writing in this blog! Oh, and it was nearly 100 degrees here today in Sunny California! Yowza!

I am feeling a little melancholy today. Not sad, not down. Just…….melancholy. What does that mean? Per the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the term means, “depression of spirits : dejection : a pensive mood”. Am I dejected? I guess that means lowness of spirits. Am I low? Hmmmm. Maybe I am using the wrong word to describe how I feel.

And now you realize why this blog is named “Just Rambling”!

I am at a good place in my life, I know that. Things are happening that are revealing who I really am, what I am capable of. I am taking strides I have never taken before, reaching inward to places I never knew existed. This is AMAZING and I am so happy about that. Yet, it also feels as though I am in sort of a limbo – of living but not living. Of being, but not really being. And I don’t know what to do with that. Maybe it means that my growth is fighting against what I have been “comfortable” in for 40 years – my psyche is reaching out to what it knows, even if it is not healthy. Or maybe I AM in a sort of limbo, and why is that bad? Maybe I need a rest period for a time, an intermission that allows me to progress on this road of discovery and healing that I’ve placed myself on. Maybe I need to stop searching outward to find wholeness and rest until I find that the wholeness I seek is in myself and in God. Hmmmm.

So, on that note, I am feeling melancholy! 🙂

This week has been a bit hectic for me – lots going on. School has kicked in and it’s got me busy…..more so because I wait until the last minute to do my homework! But I am glad to say that much of this procrastination was the result of having lots of fun this weekend!

Saturday I spent quality time with my boys – the neighborhood was having a bonfire and so I hung around and just had fun. Josh danced, Kenny was doing five million things, and it was just……chill. Then Sunday the boys and I went to visit my Dad and Ellie and we had so much fun. It was a very sweet reunion of sorts. It amazes me that despite time and drama, family meshes back together as if nothing has really changed. That blessed me tremendously and the boys had a blast too.

Later on Sunday Kirstie returned from her Spring Break trip, which happened to be to San Francisco. True to form, Kirstie was glad to me home (ever since she was a child, she never really liked being away from home for long periods of time.) I had a BLAST hearing about her trip, seeing the awesome pictures she took while there, and just hanging with her. It was really cool!

Then, on Monday I took the boys to an Angels game and Edgar came too because Kirstie fell for his beggin…..yes, this was the game where they Angels won at the bottom of the 9th thanks to a Grand Slam Home Run? Yeah, we were in the parking lot heading to our car when that happened! Can you picture Kenny throwing his glove, making two fists, and screaming to the sky, “NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”? Yeah, it really happened! We ran to the car, turned on the radio, and figured out what had happened as the fireworks were shooting into the sky! LOL. Kenny has forgiven me so don’t worry. Also, this was the first game Josh really was old enough to experience fully and it was great to see him take it all in, experience the excitement of it, and watch him absorb the concepts of the game. IT WAS A GREAT NIGHT!

So, all of that to say…….life is busy but things are NICE! I still have tough moments (don’t we all?), still have drama, and am busy as all heck. But I am being blessed by my God, by my family, and by my friends. God is faithful beyond measure……

As many of you know, I am not a huge TV watcher. But this season I have gotten hooked into a few shows, one especially…..AMERICAN IDOL! So, since last night was the performance night, here is my recap! (Yes, I know you’re DYING to know what I think!)

Not in order of performance because I am still waking up:

David Archuleta – he is one of my favorite performers, despite his nervous lip licking. He is so CUTE and SWEET and boy, can he sing! But last night was the first night I didn’t vote for him this season! The song he sang just didn’t resonate with me at all. I think his voice was okay, but it didn’t do anything for me. Sorry David.

Jason Castro – this is one of my friend’s favorite, more because I think she likes his looks and HAIR. But anyway, his rendition of Over the Rainbow is in my head even as I type at this ungodly hour! I think it was truly one of his best performances this season and he changed the song just enough to make it HIS, which I respect. I might even buy the song from iTunes……I voted for him this week.

David Cook – I need to be real here, David C. is my favorite on the show! I LOVE how he alters songs to make them his own and I have purchased two or three of his songs from iTunes. I think he can go all the way, I really hope he wins! Having said that, however, last night was not that impressive. I love his voice and he has a great stage presence, but it wasn’t his best……it’s like he was washed out or lacked the pizzazz I am used to. I DID vote for him out of loyalty if not for his performance.

Kristy Lee Cook – I need to be real here, too. Kristy bugs me. Every week I cringe when she sings and pray that this is the week she gets kicked off. The best thing she has going for her is her looks, which I admit are stellar. However, she pulled this week off rather well! Her singing was better than normal – I think her song choice was good. But, I couldn’t bring myself to vote for her.

Michael Johns – here is another person who has been flagged by my friend as “hot”. I really can’t feel it. And his singing? Well, he is consistent each week, but I just don’t FEEL it! And what is with the scarves he has been wearing the last two weeks? They need to go. And I seem to see the same performance week after week…..boring. His song was okay……and I didn’t vote for him.

Syesha Mercado – You know, I like Syesha. Last week’s “I will always love you” I thought was very good, despite the judges’ comments. But this week? I think she blew it. This may be the last week for Syesha. Or I expect her to be in the bottom 3. If she goes, I will miss her cool hair. I didn’t vote for her.

Carly Smithson – Let’s be real again here, Carly is another one of my favorites. I think her voice is amazing – it’s depth, the control she has! And, let’s face it, I like her tattoos too! (Not really the ones on her husband’s face, but I won’t penalize her for that!) This week’s performance was good too – she hit the notes, varied her range, belted and pulled back………yeah. Not the most amazing as far as making me all jump and vote for her and say, “Now THAT is singing!”, but still made me pat myself on the back for liking a winner. Yeah, I voted for her.

Brooke White – Okay, another friend is in love with Brooke. I kind of see it, her puppy dog, tearful eyes and large smile……but COME ON PEOPLE! She sings the same freaking style of song every freaking week and bores me to tears! Are there other songs besides those from Carly Simon and James Taylor???? HELLO! She bugs the hell out of me, can’t you tell???? As a friend said, “Can we vote people off????” Too bad we can’t! Don’t get me wrong, she doesn’t bug me as much as Kristy, she can sing okay, but she is not really a contender in my book. Yea, I didn’t vote for her. She probably won’t go this week though. Sigh.

My call for the bottom three:

Syesha, Michael, Brooke. I think that Syesha is going home.

Have a great day!

So it’s been a few days since I posted. I am a little scared to “bare my soul” here as I am worried that I will offend one or maybe two of my 2.78 readers. Dare I not move on? Heck, let’s go for it!

I am a tired person. Physically, maybe a little emotionally. But you know what???? Through this “tiredness”, and kind words from very wise counsel (ahem, Martin), I have realized that I was leaning too much on my own understanding and not nearly enough on God’s. And you know what else I’ve found? God is way more consistent than those I have relied on in the past, even myself. So there you go!

God is amazing. I am sure I will have a melt down or maybe fight a fight that makes me too tired and shows no results. But God? He is not going to fail me.

WORDS……

Words have the power to uplift and the power to destroy.  Anger, in response to destructive words, never make things better.  Human qualities are so WOEFUL and PATHETIC.

So what am I most sad/angry about?  The actions of others or those of myself?  How much should I own and how much is based on a lie that seems to spread more quickly than fire?  Why do people find it easier to believe in dramatic nonsense than things based on fact?  Facts, I guess, are too boring.  Why can whole lives be crumbled to nothing in one brief moment – one brief collection of words?  And why does the kiss of death touch so many people that really shouldn’t even be involved?

Yet how can I measure my response to the crap that surrounds me?  Did I act with wisdom?  With humility?  With honor?  And if I answer no to any of these, does that make the lie become the truth?  I would hope not, but am finding out that my humanness, perhaps even my very emotions, are now being used to validate words that really have no merit.  And that is much worse than the lie itself.

So again, what should I own?  I can own that I made bad choices, that I altered my gut by making bad decisions.  That I reacted to words in a way that was  inappropriate.  I reacted and was not prudent.  I used language that I am not proud of.  Yet I am not completely guilty.  I do not accept that my lack of wisdom or bad decisions in the past automatically mean I am guilty of everything I might be accused of.  And yet, that’s where I am today.

Words……….

….what to write.  Deep thoughts are going through my mind and I am not sure how to share them in this venue.  Do I “go deep”, or do I try to summarize?

Decisions, decision.

So, I will have to distract myself…..

Here is my beloved Justin – yes, I still love him!

Here is me and my Dad, circa 1968

Here is Kirstie

Truth.

I hope you enjoy this as much as I do!

Aunt Kay – hope this font is better for you!  Let me know!

Many of you – especially the ones who WORK with me – know that I don’t really like Mondays. I am a little cranky on Mondays. I whine a lot and grumble. But, today is TUESDAY!

So what does that mean? Today I go to work and we present loans to our committee. Could be good, could be bad. I used to have Taco Tuesday lunches, but that has changed I am sure, as many things are different now. I will probably have worship practice after work and will look forward to playing the drums, but not be too excited about getting to work at 7:30 the following morning to play for staff meeting. I think I watch American Idol on Tuesdays.

So, hence, this blog shows you how very BORING my Tuesdays are! Maybe I should place them in the same place as Mondays?

Last night was awesome, for a Monday! My friend and her boyfriend made a SUPERB dinner for me and invited my kids! So I had a few friends and my kids and nothing could make me more happy! We played Guitar Hero – where Kirstie has mad skills! She taught us a few things. Us old folks tried to play expert a few times and survived, but not very well. And the boys did very well, too! Josh actually beat some of us!!!! Kenny is cool too – he is more low key as he’s almost 13 and has to be cool, but he rocked, too. Josh also taught us how to do that Soldier Boy dance and we looked VERY hip, I am sure. Except we couldn’t really pull off the gangster faces. LOL

The night, even for a Monday, was WONDERFUL! I have to focus on the parts that bless me and ignore the day they fall on I guess!

Kenny was doodling last night and when I walked up he hid the paper he had. I asked what it was and this is what he had written (although he said it was for him and not for me to see….):

“Mom & Dad are the greatest parents I could ever have. I would die if they were not my parents. They are truly the greatest parents in the WORLD.”

I know it was self serving to post that note here, but some of you know where Kenny is coming from and how much that note blessed me – not only for the words, but for what they represent!

So that, my friends, is what I have to focus on TODAY! TUESDAY!

Yes, you read it here first……I have been punked, and it wasn’t a silly trick. It took time, talent, and patience. It took extreme intelligence, and most importantly – VILLAINOUS THOUGHT! I am completely humbled not only by those who thought of it, but by the perfect execution of it!

Let me explain!

Last week I was in two LOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG days of software training. I stopped at my desk a couple times on day one to complain how boring it was, etc. Drama at its finest. Then, I can’t remember if it was on the first day or the second, I came back to my desk and most everything was turned over. My stapler, my tape dispenser, my pictures – you name it, it was turned over. My first thought was, “How cute, but somewhat amateurish.” But overall, I felt loved that they would play a trick on me, the office trickster.

What surprised me, however, was the lack of……fanfare. I made a few comments and really didn’t get the reaction I was expecting. Of course, the game says you need to deny knowing who did it and deny being involved – that goes without saying. But usually the game calls for hovering, teasing, pointing out missing or altered items, denial…..it’s a whole play really. This was not happening. I quietly turned over my items, said a few comments, and it kind of stayed there.

I don’t know when I noticed, but I realized that my Gambino (cousin of Gumby) was missing. “So THAT’s it!” I thought. Okay, I can play that game – I won’t say anything just to kill them a little. Then, after that didn’t work I mention to someone (Liz?) that I knew he was missing but whatever. No reaction. So then I was like, “these people really don’t know what they’re doing – obviously I need to teach them the way to play this game! They are too……boring!”

So I went forward with other things – drama at home, drama at work, too busy to really notice anything or put more energy in this. And I truly thought – maybe if I just ignore the fact that Gambino was missing, they will buckle under the pressure and tell me.

One thing I failed to mentioned – last week I bought three boxes of Girl Scout Cookies, which I had forgotten to bring home for several days. Last night I finally remembered; I brought them home, put them on the counter, and told Deana she could take the disgusting ones I bought for her to work. That was that.

Hours passed – did homework, paid bills, watched TV. Another friend stopped by and saw the cookies. “Oh,” she says, “I love Girl Scout cookies! Can I have one? The peanut butter sandwiches are my favorite.” Me, being so nice and generous, said, “Of course, they’re my favorite too! Let’s have some!”

I opened the box – you know, they’re the kind that you pull the tab that is pre-punched…..I open it, and out comes……MY BOX OF MILK DUDS?!!?!!?!!? The ones that used to be on my desk at work??? The ones I didn’t even notice were missing???? WHAT???

I open the next box – again, pull the tab – the one that you can’t pull and then can’t put back on – and out comes Gambino!

I open the third, and there comes my 5 year anniversary pen and pencil set!

But, more importantly – WHERE ARE MY FREAKING COOKIES?!?!!!?!!?

Oh, don’t think that my friend who wanted the cookies was innocent – she was an accomplice in this for sure!

But I have to say, without hesitation, I was wrong about y’all being boring! YOU DID THE PERFECT PUNK – HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER!

LIZ – My mentorship of you is complete! You kept a straight face, didn’t even look guilty, and pulled this off perfectly!

CAT – you too – I commend you for not giving away this perfect trick, even after days of delay.

EILEEN – I am assuming you were involved with this somehow! And I thought you were so innocent! BAH! You are officially a full-fledged member of the team now!

RONA – you are a butthead. A real butthead. But kudos.

ALL OF YOU – I give you major kudos for THINKING of it, IMPLEMENTING it, and HIDING it! Nice job on the boxes too – while I know now how you did it, there was no indication that you had messed with any of them. Superb.

Now, WHERE ARE MY COOKIES!!!!!!!

Okay, interesting title, huh? Yeah, I’m in one of those moods! 😛

Update on the post office. Went to a local office and fixed the forwarding order from my old house in California, so hopefully that works. They couldn’t help me with the forwarding issues FROM Texas, and suggested I contact Frisco again. So I did…..they said THEY HAD NO RECORD OF THE FORWARDING ORDER!!!!! Yes, you might remember me mentioning last week that they CONFIRMED OUR FORWARDING ORDER and suggested there was an issue on the California end. Dun dun dun. You’d be proud, there was no “going postal” or cussing. In any case, I am sending in updated orders tomorrow. Sigh.

While I am excited to be in my MBA program, the first class has been…..well…..kind of a waste of my time. The book is outdates, the material is not new to me, and the teacher is VERY nice, but well……not that great of a teacher. I technically have 1 1/2 more weeks but am anxious for it to be over. I have heard the next class I am taking will be very different.

I am feeling better – covered that – but I think that I haven’t shared about my ear. As an adult, I have had several ear infections in both ears, but more so in my left ear. Years and years ago I had such a bad one, my eardrum burst. It was very painful, as you can imagine. Anyway, about six months ago I noticed that I had a harder time hearing from my left ear – nothing dramatic, but I would use my right ear on the phone or, if I were laying down watching TV, I would need to make sure my right ear was not covered. I went to see a specialist and he said it could be any factor of things – scar tissue, nerve damage etc.

So I went for a hearing test last week. It was determined that my left ear DID have hearing loss (nerve related) where I had lost high end hearing. It’s not bad enough to need a hearing aid or anything, but it is advanced enough to notice the difference between my ears and I find myself turning my “good” ear often. So, yeah, I need to be careful of loud music in the car! 😉 And I need to be careful when banging on my drums!

So that’s about it for me right now. If I think of something else, I will let you know!