I am not perfect.  I have made mistakes, some bigger than others.  Some caused great pain and I will not shy away from that fact.  But the truth of the matter is I’ve been hurt too and you – whether or not you feel guilt or shame – have made mistakes too.  Yo have hurt me, my children, and yet feel innocent about it and that is fine.  Your mistakes do not justify my most recent wrongdoings, and I am sorry for some of the decisions I’ve made, but they also do not erase shortcomings of those around me, even yours.

I wish you well and truly hope you don’t find yourself alone and unhappy.  And, as a side note, your timing is amazingly horrible.  And I am sure that comment will solidify in your mind what you have secretly felt about me from May to this day – I am a horrible person.  Glad that I could fulfill that assessment of me so thoroughly.

(and no, this post is not to Deana)

For everyone else, I’m recovering and am not in much pain from my surgery.  I hope to be able to write more soon – my surgery, my thanksgiving, and more.  As for now, Vicodin is my new best friend.

Merriem-Webster’s main definition is “firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values”.   I think most of us want to stick to having integrity in our lives, and I realize we all (including me) fall short sometimes.  I mean, when a telemarketer calls your house and asks for you and you say “they’re not home”, does that have integrity?  I could argue the fact that telemarketers in general are not moral, so it’s okay that I lied……but anyway, you get my point?

But today I am struggling with integrity that is a little more massive than dealing with telemarketers.  I have been lied to and the lie has huge consequences to several people.  It has hearts and futures in their clutches.  And as the pain of this whole situation washed over me and I was still in the white wash – tumbling and really not sure which was was up or down – I receive a call to try to explain the situation.  First of all, I received acknowledgement of the lie(s) involved.  Then I heard justifications to why the lie happened in the first place – and, really, there are some compelling issues here and I don’t want to suggest that this has been an easy situation for this person.  However, I sat listening to them and thought to myself, “Could I do the same thing, with these circumstances, and still look myself in the mirror?”

That is where I am now.  I want to be forgiving yet there is real pain related to the apparent lack of integrity from another.  I know I am not perfect, I know I have done stupid and hurtful things many times in my past (and, most likely, in my future), yet I also am overwhelmed with offending pain and hurt that is as real as the sun in the sky.  I can completely admit I do not trust this person at all, and even question the “truth” they explained to me.  There is a big part of me that takes their explanations, their desire to “not hurt me in the future” and scream – you are a piece of [enter something mean here]!  And there’s another part that feels sorry for this mixed up and hurting soul that is so lost that they make the most horrible, painful decisions for themselves and everyone around them.

So I write here instead of coming to a decision about the future.  Can we remain friends?  Is it worth it?  Can my heart handle it?  Can I go forward always (probably) wondering if they are lying to me, if they are playing with me?  If they will find another circumstance to justify throwing me back into the white wash.  I know they have pain now too, that they regret this whole thing, that they are sorry……but that doesn’t help me much right now.  And so I write and ponder……..

Many long-time readers of this blog know I love John Shore. I even have a link to his blog, for Pete Sake! And now that I am a FAN of his on Facebook, it’s that much easier to get the latest and greatest posts the man writes.

So, I’d LOVE for you to read it here, and let me know your thoughts regarding the issues he raises. Many of the questions he poses are the same ones I’ve asked recently – so your heartfelt responses are appreciated! And hey, you might as well answer him, too!

Check out my new page here – it’s a lame page……I explain that pretty much there!

Gina, the Lame One, Out!

Okay, the weekend started out with a bang – my friend Rita and I went to see Tyrone Wells at the Troubadore in West Hollywood. In case you don’t know Tyrone Wells, you should check him out! He used to lead worship at University Praise and is an amazing singer/songwriter! Check out his site here.

So the concert was GREAT and I decided to spend the night at Rita’s since she lives closer to West Hollywood than I do. When I woke up in the morning, the skies were already filled with smoke from the Sylmar fire. I took off early to get out before it got ugly, plus had plans to go sports fishing in the ocean with my boys! So we headed towards Orange County, grateful to not have to deal with the fires for the day.

However, driving in we soon saw fires off the 91 freeway. When I drove to Edgar’s house, it didn’t seem too close and we all headed towards Newport Beach (including Edgar and his neighbor, Andy and Andy’s daughters – who are good friends with my sons). We headed to the beach, glad to get away from the smoke and blah related to the fires near Orange County. We got settled on the boat, started heading out to sea, and then we saw the smoke spreading before our very eyes off the coast. It soon appeared to be a bigger fire than we anticipated.

Soon Andy, who is a Placentia Police Officer, began receiving calls. They were doing voluntary evacuations in Edgar’s neighborhood and the police department was making sure Andy’s motorcycle and weapons were safe. As we were in the middle of the ocean, he could not access either. But this also raised other flags – were Edgar’s parents safe? Gracie was with them, too! What the heck was going on!

Let me tell you, it was a LONG fishing trip and feeling helpless! Poor Edgar was on the phone so much and I was trying to make things “calm” for the boys and for Andy’s kids. I think we made that happen, but it was another thing all together dealing with the fires that were awaiting us!

The Brea fires were very close to my house, the Anaheim Hills and Yorba Linda fires were very close to Edgar’s house. I soon realized I could get to mine without tons of problems, but Edgar’s area was closed to anyone. I took the boys home and Edgar, with Andy, tried to see if they could get in using Andy’s police position.

Bottom line – it was CRAZY and I don’t really want to relive it here…..but basically everyone is okay and no property was lost.  It was tough going, the smoke SUCKS, and it was tense for some time.  Things are settling down although it’s STILL very smokey here (as of Monday night).  The boys’ school was closed today so it was weird……

So anyway, we are safe and sound.

Background: Received a statement from a vendor that had a zero current bill and a past due amount. As I had been instructed, I gave the bill to the person training me. She gave it back with a note saying: “call them we don’t get invoice” (copied word for word)

I went to the vendor’s site to get online statements and realized this issue had been going on for two months. As the original bill was for a lease, I sent an email to the person training me just to keep her informed and to get her feedback. I don’t know, thought maybe she had disputed it or something……here is how it went down:

Here I am with my friend Cathy back this summer, front row just left of center at the Bon Jovi concert in Madison Square Garden in New York!