Things Change…..

As for me, the only thing that has changed about me is that I am honest about the way I am.  And yet, that has caused those who’ve I’ve held closest to my heart to change their view of me.  And I can deal with that.  But I have felt their loss.

As for me, I will encourage my children to rest in the fact that I love them, period.  I will love them if they “change”, or if they are imperfect.  I will love them, period.


Pity Party on Gina’s Blog

So, you’ve been warned – this will be a pathetic, self-indulgent post.  Run before it’s too late!

First of all, if my 2.78 readers wouldn’t mind praying for a friend of mine named Carolyn H.; she is having surgery on Monday 11/2.  She and I appreciate your thoughts!

Secondly, work continues to get worse every……single……moment!  I will not get into the details here because, well, I live them most of the time!  But it seems as though the owner’s nine lives may finally be up.  He has definitely manifested some really amazing life savers to date, but his magic seems to be running out…….or at least put off the inevitable……which appears to be crashing into the present with a huge and unfailing force.  While there is a huge part of me that is freaking out to be out of a job, I would be lying if I said “the end” would also offer long awaited relief!

Health wise I have had a few struggles lately.  While I don’t feel comfortable sharing the details in this venue, they HAVE caused me some tough spots.  These spots have varied from concern to inconvenience to down right freaking me out.  So, if you have a spot on your prayer list (if you are one that has such as thing) I would also appreciate a shout out on my behalf as well.  If not, your positive thoughts will be accepted!  🙂

And on a random note, I am disappointed in myself in that I am constantly surprised by how very self-centered so many people have become!  I mean, at my age, I should be much more jaded or at least conditioned to realize that this is a common piece of society today.  Yet, I expect people to be considerate, understanding, and even POLITE.  Sheesh, what do I even know?!?!?!!?!  I forgot that today most look out “for number one” and that’s about it.  Maybe I am that way, too, come to think of it!

And I realized tonight, perhaps though it is not constant, that it would be amazingly wonderful to spend one evening without the TV blaring, without everything centering around the kids, and maybe allowing the working adult who drives 70+ miles a day to have some peace and quiet for maybe an hour.  That would be heaven on earth.  And that is the springboard of the pity party…….

Gina out.

Not Sure the Definition of My Thoughts….

…..I WAS going to title this “Deep Thoughts”, but they’re not that deep…..and well, I think I overuse that phrase.  So then I thought, “Shallow Thoughts”, but well, they aren’t shallow either and I surely don’t want to imply that my thoughts aren’t important (at least to me!).  So hence, my ambiguous and – okay, I will admit it – lame title!

No one likes to be rejected.  Conversely, most would acknowledge they want acceptance.  I seek acceptance the most from the people I love… probably do, too.  And when I feel as though I haven’t received it in some areas of my life, I get what I call “sensitivity buttons”.  Like today, there was a scene in the movie “Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs” where I totally wanted to cry.  Not that it was a sad scene – perhaps it is best described as a touching scene.  In any case, it made me feel very clearly that I was missing a part in my life because of what I perceive as non-acceptance.  And while acknowledging it was not a surprise, the emotions it evoked totally blindsided me.

When I was younger, more naive if you will, and expected “everything to work out” the way I wanted it to, I would have angst until all the pieces fell into their perfect places.  This often meant I needed to change ME so that I could obtain the acceptance I so yearned.  I was cool with that when I was younger, although now I know it cost me to do that as well.  Now, while I have progressed to a point of accepting myself for who I am, I still often want all the pieces to fall into their smooth places and everyone end up feeling hunky dory.  But I realize, I am not there and the pieces may never fit back together.  This DOES make me sad, as today showed me (even if I try to put on a brave face to myself as well as to everyone else).  But instead of me trying to figure out what I can do to “fix this”, which used to be changing to be “more acceptable”, I am facing my emotions.  I am letting my feelings of being rejected (or whatever the case may be) flow through me and acknowledging that I really can’t fix this as this is not my problem.  I have been honest, something that I have failed at in the past, and I have been candid – lying now about the truth to somehow gain acceptance is not cool.  And yet, facing this fact doesn’t add to my emotions, but almost frees me.  I am no longer chained by my past behaviors, but I certainly do feel pain.  The pain is tied to the perceived rejection, but I am feeling stronger knowing that fighting that rejection no longer pushes me to change the truth of me.

This may make no sense to you, but it has helped me tremendously!  :

Gina Out