Ramblings

Fighting for “Life”

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

Life is precious, and this year when Roe v Wade was overturned by the Supreme Court, many people celebrated. The crux of the celebration for many was the protection of life. Sounds pretty legit. We all are here today because our lives survived our mother’s womb, and once born we were raised, fed, hopefully loved and cherished…….but no matter how we were treated after being born, we all can say without hesitation we have life today. In that regard, I think we can agree it worked out for us!

A close family member was pretty stoked, too. Their FaceBook timeline was full of memes to emphasize how this was the right thing to do as life is precious. I don’t begrudge their position or views really – that is their right – but I have to admit…….it confused me a little. On one hand, this person walked the walk in the “precious life” arena. I mean, when they married their first wife, this person accepted four children as his own, loved them, provided for them, called them sons and daughter, and for some even gave them his last name. Despite having no genetic connection to these children, he stepped up and loved them, showing without any fanfair that he celebrated the fact that they were ALIVE! That their lives were precious. When this person had two biological kids of his own, he raised them not with words of “half brother” or “half sister”, but emphasized the family unit being whole. I always admired that. After all, these kids did nothing to deserve being rejected or accepted, and to really appreciate the gift of life, one must extend love to the gifts of God, right? That message has been shared by many of my friends and family since Roe v Wade was overturned, and it does have some teeth to it.

This is where my confusion starts. You see, the same person who accepted 4 children into his heart, who raised them as his own, who treated them the same as his two bio kids, and who also celebrated the overturning of Roe v Wade under the guise of “protecting life” and “protecting the innocent”, has acted differently when the situation was slightly different, and I surmise feels justified in doing so. You see, over 15 years ago Deana and I adopted two siblings from Russia. These two beautiful, innocent children would have had a very high chance of dying by drugs or violence before their 18th birthdays had they not been adopted. If they beat the odds and passed their 18th birthday, they certainly faced an uphill struggle to survive as (at least at the time) their birth certificates would have clearly been flagged as orphans (the document is used in hiring) and due to the judgment of most citizens at that time, would be viewed as undesirables. By adopting them, Deana and I literally saved their lives. We celebrate their precious lives everyday and also acknowledge how their lives have blessed us beyond words.

These two children did nothing to deserve being flagged as undesirables. They did nothing to deserve being put into an orphanage. They were innocent, and despite their circumstances, their mother at least loved them enough to give birth to them instead of aborting them. Bottom line, they are precious and we’re worth protecting, as much as or perhaps more than the babies this person and others are screaming to protect.

However, this same family member who showed so much love and compassion for his 4 step-children has never met our Russian children in the 15+ years they’ve been in our lives. Why? The stated reason is “they are not family”. The underlying reason is more like this……”Gina, you and Deana are lesbians.”

This man who loved so much now directs his life around religious dogma that would turn his back on two innocent children who did nothing to him or anyone else, two precious and innocent lives, because of his disgust for their parents. This man would argue that only “family” deserves to be interacted with, while also saying “save the babies” that he will never meet and also interacting with people and children ALL THE TIME that are “not family”. He would disregard two innocent lives and treat these children as lepers because the parents that adopted them (to which they didn’t even have a choice) love them and care for them, but are also lesbians.

Yes, you go on “fighting for life” and “celebrating life” and the overturning of Roe v Wade, but know your hypocricy and lack of love is seen by more than the person typing these words. Every few years, my now adult Russian children ask why they’ve never met you. When they were little, I’d make excuses and then share funny stories about how great you were or something fun that happened in my youth. But now that they’re older and see the duplicity of so many things in the world, I admit that somewhere on your journey of faith, your heart was somehow changed and you no longer have the capacity to love anyone you deem tarnished or outside your religious belief system, including your own daughter. I know you also insist that you DO love me, but…….. I am not sharing this to belittle you, or to slander you, but to emphasize that life IS precious, and that should be enough. My Russian children are just as important and worthy of love or at least acknowledged as much as some random fetus. But too many times, as is the case with you, there are supposed justified caveats to this, which really translates to “only lives I approve of matter”. And that is a shame, because your Bible clearly states that Jesus loves us all, and more importantly, that love is not just “praying for their souls”, but having a meaningful relationship with them without judgment. You know, like Jesus hanging out with prostitutes, tax collectors, and sinners.

If this is your Christianity, I have to say, YOU are the one that’s been indoctrinated.

My Dream Life

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

I often deal with unresolved trauma in my dreams. I know when I am not breaking down or facing my trauma when a theme emerges in recurring dreams, which has been my lot of late. Each morning, I have been spending time reliving these dreams, trying to find the root of the trauma. Even when its obvious what I need to confront, too often I allow my busy schedule to distract me or set aside the realizations that exist, so that the theme continues. Today, I will share with you the latest trauma in hopes that I no longer avoid the important process of facing my hardest, broken pieces.

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, some of this will not be a surprise. For those stumbling here now, here is a quick recap to get you up to speed:

  • I am a lesbian and have been with my wife for 18 years. We are legally married
  • We are both “out”
  • While many in our life accept us as we are, there are some within our family and friend community who have withdrawn from relationship with us or are vocal that they do not agree with our “lifestyle”
  • I identify as a follower of Christ, but have not attended church regularly for about 5 years
  • My wife and I have 5 children; three are my biological kids, and two entered our hearts through international adoption. All are our spiritual flesh and blood.

Since the youngest two came to American and our home around 14 years ago, our world has expanded so much! However, some within our circle have refused to accept them due to the fact their parents are LGBTQ+. One such person is my father. Despite having raised 4 step-children (it is weird to write that, as we were always held as a family without such labels), I was directly told by my father that these two precious and innocent souls were “not family”. He has never met them, has had no interaction with them, and since their homecoming (which occurred before my wife and I were “out”), my wife has been treated differently by my dad. Shortly after this time, we did come out and, while I was told my dad would always love me, he made clear that he did not accept my homosexual lifestyle.

Dealing with this and my dad’s refusal to even be in the same room as my wife and two youngest children, interactions became difficult at best. Initially, I allowed anger to drive me and I found it easy to cut my dad out of normal interactions. However, one key point is that my dad represented the “perfect parent” to me in almost all regards, and my love for him held no limitations. Because of that, I made the decision to have a relationship with him as best I could, even with his refusal to include pieces of my heart. This working relationship became easier to facilitate in 2009 when my family moved out of state; when I was back in California, it was often easy for me to visit without causing undue pain to my wife and youngest children.

Jump forward to the last couple years. My dad, who had been raised a Catholic but had not attended mass my entire life, became very active in the protestant Evangelical community. His second wife, who had been in my life for nearly 30 years, was very involved in this area and was sure to be a big part of this transformation. As someone who was never a Catholic and who had accepted Christ in a charismatic church in my teens, this change was initially a positive one for me! My years is ministry, Christian education, and faith rejoiced that my dad was now actively involved with Christ in, what I perceived as, a personal relationship that provided much more “hands on” knowledge of God’s grace, love, and truth.

In reality, however, the transformation my dad experienced has been very different than my own faith journey. Where my walk with Christ has lead me to love more, empathize more, and realize how very broken I and all of us are in this journey called life, it seemed my dad’s walk emphasized very different attributes. Where he used to encourage, he now condemned. Where he used to seek out comforting others, he now demeaned. Where he balanced his intelligence with a calm demeanor for most of my life, he began to appear more rigid and judgmental. As this evolution occurred, I chocked it up more toward his political views, which had changed dramatically over the years from how he was when I was young. I failed to really grasps the changes he was experiencing were so vast.

While this was happening, Facebook also exposed this journey. Initially, I’d received videos in my Messenger inbox from his wife that “nicely and lovingly” explained why being a homosexual was a sin and not in God’s will. There were never any discussions or exchanges with these, though at times I’d respond with scripture about how we all sin and fall short of the glory of God and how we are redeemed solely by Christ. Things then escalated from there; aggressive posts began to appear stating that Gays cannot be Christians, that Gays followed Satan, and that even Catholics were evil Satan followers bound for hell. Again, no real relational conversations occurred, other than my dad’s occasional comments on calls, such as, “You know I love you, but I worry about you…….I pray for you all the time…….”

Then, on Easter Sunday 2021 I called my dad. I felt no warmth from him or even joy that we were talking. In truth, I had already come to a place where it felt like a burden to call him due to his obvious view regarding my life. However, there was still that little girl in me who loved her dad and wanted to at least talk to him on important days such as this. During the call, he put me on speaker (not usual) and proceeded to have an “intervention”; in summary, he said my view of Christianity was “indoctrination”, that unless I left my wife and repented I was going to hell, and that I was not a Christian at all. It got heated when I calmly asked him if he had stopped sinning, why his recurring sins such as anger (which was actively being thrown at me at this point) was not a problem, why some in the Bible did not “repent” but still went to heaven (ex: dude on the cross next to Christ), and the like. He clearly acknowledged that WE have a role in our salvation and can’t rely solely on the blood of Christ. He also accused me of sending texts to him pretending to be my oldest daughter when they had had an argument months earlier. Finally, in tears, I said all I wanted was to have a relationship with him, not to be told I was going to hell, and that religion should not overshadow family. As there was no getting past that point, I tearfully said he would never hear from me again though I loved him even though his beliefs were so vastly different than mine. My heart could no longer bear interacting with the man he had become.

I did send him a less emotional email a week or so later, imploring him to set this aside and just allow us to be father and daughter, but he never replied.

Now, as a woman in her fifties, I have my recurring dreams. In them, I am usually much younger; maybe late teens or early 20’s. My dream last night displayed my father breaking into my newly acquired apartment with Deana and stealing everything he had ever given me, especially sentimental items. Further, he took all the money out of my bank account even though I had earned it on my own. With those actions, he indicated he never wanted to see me again and he was no longer my father. Dream Gina was devastated, not only for the practical reasons of having no money, but for the betrayal of my home, my possessions, and my life. Who steals from their daughter and cuts them out of their life? This dream, the most vivid I’ve had in a few weeks, troubled me for hours upon waking. However, I did stop and ponder it and came up with the following.

  • My father did steal everything from me; every good memory of my life, every moment that used to warm my very soul, every smile that had ever passed between us. The man he is today has stolen the dad I have loved my entire life and left me with a horror that lacks love (unconditional or otherwise), empathy, or care.
  • My father has clearly indicated with his actions that he believes he owns me, or pieces of me such as my salvation, and has every right to dictate their value, as represented by my bank account.
  • My father’s pride, something I used to respect so much, has exposed just how hateful he’s become in the name of love and/or religion.
  • These realities have caused my great pain, tears, loss, and anxiety. But they have not killed me.

So, today I am facing those realities. I am acknowledging the trauma and horror that my dad has become this person that lacks…….everything a father should. That true love does not do that. That religion is not about this. That no perception of sin justifies these actions. And as I sit and ponder the loss of my dad, I rejoice that I am alive, I am truly valuable in the eyes of Christ and my family, and I am enough as a child of God.

Soul – My Review

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

I am not a huge TV or movie watcher, except when I get ready to fall asleep and am a “co-watcher” next to my wife, who usually has a show on as background noise, to educate herself with a new documentary, or catch up on the latest crime show.  She also loves going to the movies (pre-pandemic) and I’d tag along more for the popcorn.  It’s not that I am AGAINST movies or TV, I’d just prefer to do something else like read, listen to or record music, or any number of things.  So, I was surprised when she suggested we watch Soul this morning that I was actually, really interested!  I believe that interest was in large part because, since Christmas, I’ve been seeing posts on social media that were lukewarm at best to outright livid about this Pixar/Disney creation.  Some of my most vocal Christian friends were LIVID!  My reaction was similar to when Harry Potter first burst onto the social stage of chatter, and so many of my acquaintances were throwing a fit about witchcraft and the like…..what?  Like, I better check this out!

So as the show started, having not known really any details about this movie except it was “hogwash” or “satanic” or “humanistic garbage”, I rubbed my hands together in anticipation.  I mean, give me the story line that has all these Christians bent out of shape!  I wanted to see all the controversy and anguish and laugh a little at the audacity of their stance.  It became clear right away that the premise of the afterlife (and the time before our birth) was super, extremely far from Christian concepts.  I was like, “Oh ho ho ho, this is gonna be good!”

But I am SOOOOOO disappointed! Any controversy for this movie, in my opinion, is only in place because people have run out of other things to be bent about. What a great movie, despite having NO real controversy!

This movie shows how we should be – and can be – content.  How we can find purpose in living.  How we can look beyond ourselves or use the lot we’ve been given to bless others.  How our existence, broken or incomplete or seemingly inconsequential, is valuable and meaningful and powerful.  We are unique and important and special!  We might focus on the wrong things that don’t bring the joy we anticipated, but we are more than capable of realizing this error and more than make up for it.  All Christian concepts that have room to manifest themselves more in our society today.

It amazes me that so many on my social feed missed this, all because the premise of the before/afterlife was formed from a different worldview.  (Never mind that many of the same people are huge Game of Throne fans – as am I – and had no problem with night walkers and flying dragons, but I digress.)  I don’t mean to belittle anyone’s faith or worldview, but it strikes me as very much like the Pharisees who called out Jesus for breaking the social expectations for “being faithful” and totally missed the miracles He provided.  Oh, you healed a man?  Don’t you know you aren’t supposed to work on Sunday?  You have defiled the Lord’s Day!  Oh, you eat with sinners but you avoid us holy ones?  You are obviously unclean!

I recommend Soul, a movie that was entertaining, touching, had amazing animation, and also portrayed a Black protagonist without needing to pull from stereotypes or diminished foundations to make us white folk comfortable.  It made me feel more spiritual, more human, and created a desire to use everything that God has given me to interact with everyone around me in a positive way.  And, if that isn’t Christ-like, I don’t know what is.

Check out Soul on Disney+, steaming now.

Reflecting on 2020

/ Gina Marie / 1 Comment

2020 was a different year, I am sure you can all agree.  My 2020 started on a good note; I just began my tenure at a new job – my dream job to date – and the future was bright for me.  This was especially important as the end of my previously believed dream job ended in a way I had not planned.  But the reality was that its demise was the springboard for many great things!  We moved back to Texas to be with family, I found my true dream job, and things were looking great!  Then COVID-19 hit and I think we were all sent into a different (tail) spin.  Our search for a house to purchase went on hold, we (just like most of you) moved to working remotely and staying at home except for essential activities, we began wearing masks and being professional hand washers (the new norm), and we witnessed the world begin to record COVID cases and deaths beyond anything we could have imagined.  This post is not about politics per se, but we all know the political climate remained, or even increased, in its polarization.  While we were fortunate to avoid contracting COVID in our household, things seemed to be put into freeze mode or at least a world of isolation or separation to a large degree. Non-COVID related events also tainted our year; my brother-in-law passed away much too soon, Zack was in a very serious accident, and family members lost their jobs.

Now, looking back over the many months of these changes, I’m here to attest that they weren’t all bad.  Deana transitioned to a new job – perhaps HER dream job! – we used our limited interactions to draw family even closer, we were able to purchase a lovely home after COVID limitations opened up a bit, new jobs were found, and we created new customs for holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Sophia obtained her driver’s license and a new car, Zack got a much bigger (and safer) vehicle, and I got the Jeep Wrangler Sahara Limited I’ve always wanted.  (I love you, Lava!)  If I were to take the time to list all the things I’m grateful for, this blog would be way too long!  So, my main message for today is that things can absolutely suck, but don’t stop in that muck and focus solely on its residue in your life!  Good things may be hidden right now, but they are sure to be right around the corner, waiting to surprise you.  I also send huge amounts of good thoughts and prayers to those who have valiantly been serving our communities as we continue to fight the pandemic.  I also lift up those who have been impacted by this horrible virus.

Now, onto 2021!  I have many plans for this year!  Some include personal items, such as obtaining my Agile Certification, helping to produce a covers CD for my daughter Kirstie, learning how to play the banjo, and reading 50 books.  But I also have plans for this blog and my overall goal of expanding my focus on people of faith within the LGBTQ+ community.  For the past several weeks, I’ve been forming a roadmap for those efforts, including this blog, my related Facebook Group, attempt to establish a better connection with my daughter’s existing stream community, and building potential community activities with local agencies.  In relation to this blog, here are some of my plans:

  • Short term
    • Establish a theme for each month and post at least weeklyProvide usable information for LGBTQ+ or our allies in relation to the month’s them
      • Links to agencies, how to get help, resources, etc.
      Provide educational references for those who don’t understand or acknowledge LGBTQ+ of faithShare any community activities, online, or stream events that may have been scheduledHave an open online discussion monthlyProbably share boring updates about me 😊
  • Longer Term
    • Publishing a book, one chapter per month, in additional to theme blog posts!
    • Develop a monthly podcast or vlog to augment our interaction
    • More details to come soon

This blog is not just for me, but for you as well.  PLEASE reach out, share comments, or email me with questions, ideas, feedback, or information you think would benefit others! 

With that said, I do want to point out that a big part of this blog’s success will be if you subscribe – don’t miss any posts!

Look, I know you all have busy lives and probably don’t need another “feed” to deal with!  But I am committed to partnering with you to add our collective voices to the busy world AND provide resources to you as much as possible.  And, to remind you that you’re not alone!  And I will never, ever share your information!

I hope you all had a blessed holiday!

A Letter

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

I’ve written versions of this letter several times; in my head, while brushing my teeth, even on my computer on occasion. I’ve never sent it for a few reasons; I didn’t want to supersede all the good you’ve provided me in my life, I didn’t want to stir the pot, and I didn’t want to hurt you. So why am I doing this now, on this bog? I am not entirely sure, actually. Maybe I am a coward. Maybe I’m vindictive. Or maybe I am just……tired. But, in all cases, I am fighting to see where you truly love me. And that is hard for me.

I have often idolized you during my 50+ years on this earth. I have modeled so many aspects of my life around you. I try to think critically. I try to stay calm in stressful situations. I try to to be nurturing and consistent. I try to verbalize the love I feel for others and make an effort to show that love in meaningful ways. SOOOO many things I do are because you modeled it first for me. And for many, many years of my life I felt your pride in my actions. In fact, much of my confidence, joy, and determination is derived from the truth I always followed like a beacon in the storm – you are the one person who loved me completely and unconditionally. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you in some way, almost always in a positive manner, and that often makes me smile.

However, we both know there are pieces in this picture that are harder to deal with.  How you’ve never wanted to meet Zack and Sophia, two individuals made in the image of God who did nothing to you except be adopted by two lesbians.  The anger and hatred you apparently still carry against my mom.  How you feel about Deana, who by the way I persued.  How you virtually have no active relationship with my brother, his kids, or my kids, and probably blame them and exonerate yourself completely. How you feel about my life.  I have always ignored these shortfalls with you as I felt it was more important to just love you. And all I am asking for is the same from you.

I’m over 50 years old and my heart is breaking because I was wrong about one thing for sure – you love is not unconditional. You see me through a lens that hones into one aspect of my life – my sexuality. And that is just wrong.

For months, I have been having recurring dreams where you are the central figure.  In them, I am almost always a teenager, most of the time high school age, and living with you.  The dreams often change circumstances, but always you are the hero that you were – my main hero, the one that protected me, the one who met all my needs, the person I remember at that time who was the only person I KNEW loved me no matter what.  Ah, I missed that person.  You see, I have known I was gay since about 12.  Maybe 13.  Puberty and all that.  I hated myself because of that.  There were times, even then, when I thought that dying would probably be easier than to admit I was a broken, filthy lesbian.  But even on my darkest days, I’d look at you and realize that you loved me.  SOOOOO much.  And that was enough.  I held on because of YOU.  I knew that, even when I hated myself so much, you carried enough love to hold me over and that created enough for me to face one more day.  Sure, other people loved me too…..I admit that……but YOUR love was my reason to not quit. 

It was in that envelope of love that I started going to church on my own.  In meeting the reality of Jesus in my own heart, I realized that you had already prepared my heart for the miracle that Christ is.  He loves me, just like you did.  He cares for me, just like you did.  He will do anything for me, just like you would.  While those teenage years were hard in so many ways, accepting Christ took the beacon you had provided for me and expanded so much as I grew closer to Jesus.  And, as far as my sexuality, I was SO RELIEVED that now I had the means to be changed from it!  The only thing that held me back a bit during those first years as a born again Christian was my concern for your own faith and related religiosity.  While my church didn’t say those in your faith were not saved, I was so sure that you did not have the connection to Christ that I was having because of the dogma of the religion you were raised in.  I struggled so much for that and often prayed that you would experience what I was experiencing.  I tried now and then back in the day to bridge that gap with you, but it was hard…….it was weird to even suggest that you were lacking anything, and to push too much seemed disrespectful and even intimidating.  I held a burden in my heart about this for many, many years, but I also had peace in my heart that you knew Christ.  It wasn’t that I thought you were not saved, but that you were missing out on so many things with Jesus that I yearned for you to experience. I am very glad your faith now seems to be an answer to all my years of praying for you.

Anyway, you lived through the years that followed, but you probably don’t know the efforts I made through the church, through hours of prayer, through basically reparative therapy I went through to not be gay.  I was determined to be straight.  In addition, I had plenty of guys after me and could have gone down the path of being sexually active with them to build that “straight lifestyle”, but I was also determined to not diminish Christ’s directive to avoid the “sins of the flesh”.  My husband fit that area well for many reasons, and I perceived him as a godly man.  I know now in retrospect that I married him for all the wrong reasons, and apart from the beautiful children we had together, I regret putting him and myself through 16 years of marriage based mostly on my desire to avoid being gay and focus onbeing a “good Christian”, Okay, full disclosure – of also not disappointing you…..right after not disappointing Jesus.  And even though back then I found the idea ludicrous, I was afraid that you’d condemn me. And you HAVE! I should probably add, throughout those years with my husband, I continued through several means to work with Jesus, the church, etc in removing my attraction to women.  Including a suicide attempt, which was done in San Antonio when I was about 25, the first time the two of us separated.

Back to my dreams.  I found it curious that they kept happening, always with you being the focus.  I would wake and feel so warm, picturing your love in those dreams, but was always confused about why I kept having them.  I mean, let’s face it, I am now over 50 and those years were a long time ago.  Week after week, I pondered this, but then realized I miss that person in my life.  The person that I KNEW loved me just as I was…..mistakes and all.  Am I saying you don’t love me now?  No, not at all.  But whether that love I felt as a kid/teenager was based on a fantasy because back then I was “straight”, it was real to me and I never sensed any withholding of it.  And I miss it. I haven’t felt that from you in years.

Today, I insist to myself that you love me.  You reassure that you will be there for me, and I try to trust that.  But I also know clearly that out of love, or concern, or whatever the word is – you don’t love the piece of me that is a lesbian.  And you’ve refused to partake in very important pieces of my life – MY FAMILY – because of it. I also suspect you may think that I am not a “real Christian” because I am with Deana and am in this lifestyle, based on the things that your spouse posts on Facebook and your own comments directly to me.  You even say you are worried that I will go to hell because of it.  While all of this is exceedingly hard for me to admit, I want to assure you that I understand that your pastor tells you, and you believe the Bible is clear about this condemnation.  However, I must candidly say that MY faith believes the Bible when it says that no one can know the heart of man, that our sins are completely covered by the blood of Christ, and our own efforts have nothing to add to it. That, when we accept Christ, we bring nothing to the table and Christ assures us that we cannot be snatched from His hand. Also,  I will NEVER suggest to you through statements that I am “praying for you (to change)”, “praying for you (to accept me)”, etc.  Even when our faith differed and some suggested yours was not “true”, I never considered you were heading to hell nor did I pray that you be saved from the first. When I pray for you, I pray for you to be blessed, period. 

On that note, I hope you accept that I love Jesus, that He loves me, that we interact daily (really, in the moments throughout the day), and I completely trust that He will not forsake me –  even now.  I didn’t just “decide” to be a lesbian, nor did I “decide” to ignore Jesus.  I hope you can trust that I have peace that Jesus loves me, period.  I don’t say that lightly, nor am I trying to justify my marriage or anything else.  I am saying I trust Jesus.  And whether you or anyone else defines my marriage as a sin does not diminish the saving grace that we all receive in Christ.  I am not trying to perpetuate a “license to sin” mentality, but I hope you know that after almost 25 years of attempting to abolish my attraction to women, I have accepted that I am who I am and have peace that Jesus will not forsake me.  Admittedly, you and I have different views regarding this about my life, but I hope we can move past it.  We should both trust in Jesus and His saving grace, because we BOTH have sinned and continue to do so (iyes, I have more things to work on besides “my sexuality”) and the Bible is clear that His death and resurrection covers those sins.  But if we don’t believe his blood covers those sins, then the whole Gospel is a lie.  There is no in between – there is no mixing the two and insisting we have to do some intervention with our own actions for SOME sins.  But again, if you don’t see it that way, I am not here to change your mind.  But I would never say you or your spouse are disqualified from heaven due to sin, because in MY belief system, doing so diminishes the power of Christ and the fact that He conquered the grave.

Also, as much as it hurts my heart, I have to share that I am no longer secure that you love me as Jesus does and maybe that is okay.  Maybe it is better that I don’t look to you in the same way as I did, because you’re not perfect.  Wow, it’s weird that I wrote that.  You’ve always been my measuring stick for perfection.  But anyhow, the sad truth is your love has clearly been communicated as conditional, that I am not worthy of it, and while I appreciate your concern and stated love, I mostly feel your dislike for me. Your DISLIKE of me. Can you picture being in my position, of acknowledging that fact? You make it abundantly clear, in every conversion – even the most mundane – that I don’t measure up. That I am at risk. And that I you have no pride in my life.

Even at my age, I wish you’d give me enough credit to treat me as a person that was created in the image of God. Even apart from my role in our relationship, because I have worth. A few years ago, you told me a story about how you gave an old man that had lost his Bible a new one. Your eyes teared up as you recounted the tale. I sense no tears or such emotion for me, even as you also share that when I was born you were floating on the clouds. I have no reason to feel that lack of emotion except for one reason – I am a lesbian. And that just really sucks.

Look, I need to calibrate this.  It was not my intention to knock you.  I don’t want you to feel as if I am saying you’re in this mean space or that you’re meaning or trying to hurt me.  But it DOES hurt, and that sucks badly. It’s like getting a grade of A- and being told I am a loser. I guess I am saying I want to acknowledge the “elephant in the room” and say – I know we see things differently. I don’t condemn you for your beliefs, but I won’t hide the fact that they are hurtful and seem more important to you than “loving your neighbor and enemies”. It seems self-righteous, especially since you’ve had a lot of sin in your life which I don’t even focus on.  Sometimes I wish and pray so hard it was not this way, but I love you so much NOW that I don’t want to change you.  And I am writing this to acknowledge this and to tell you in my own words that I don’t want to have this separation because of your negative view of me, or the damage that view has caused me.  I don’t want to feel both an urgent desire to call you just to hear your voice, but hesitate (and ultimately, not call) because of not wanting to dance around the truth of this difference. I don’t want to feel like calling you just allows you to point out how disappointed you feel, or that your constant prayers for me are because you believe I am going to hell. I don’t mean to suggest that you stop having these concerns, but it does nothing for our relationship or even the truth of Christ by doing that. To summarize, stop throwing stones at me.

I also want to add that you should have plenty of things to be proud about in regards to me, even if now you no longer see or acknowledge them.  While I will try very hard to no longer focus on the fact that my sexuality is a negative for you, I hope you can see that I am not the sum of that sexuality exclusively.  You should have pride in my life, because I am abundantly blessed. I have been in a stable, loving, and encouraging marriage for over 17 years (something that I could never say about my first marriage).  All five of my kids are thriving in their own way and have the foundation of Christ to build upon.  I work very hard to not be ruled by my emotions, though I leave room for understanding and empathy.  I have overcome some pretty big obstacles and am thriving.  I have an amazing career where I am (now) appreciated and valued.  I am mentoring a few people, in their career and also spiritually, and hope that blesses them.  I am financially sound, which includes helping others who are not as fortunate.  I am introspective, constantly praying and seeking to grow – to have my heart and mind corrected or altered by Christ as He leads.  I hope, by going through this process each day, I can become a better person towards you as well, in that I can at least interact with you without the residue that has permeated me because of this situation.

Finally, I challenge you to think about why you follow your faith. Does it feed your soul and remove anger, condemnation, and judgment from your heart? Or is it so that you can look at others and measure their sin? Do you spend your days worrying about all of the people that are going to hell? Do you DECIDE for yourself, based on what you read and are being taught, that there are so many that DESERVE hell? Do you compare yourself (I assume you believe you’re going to heaven) to others and in that comparison determine others are NOT going to heaven? None of these things describe the Gospel that I follow.

Ephesians 2:4-9 says, “But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. “

John 13:34-35 says, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

And just in case you feel warning me about hell and what you’re concerned about is love, here is 1 Cor 13:4-6, defining love:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Finally, despite the harder words I’ve written here, I do love you and wish things were better between us.

“

On A Journey

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

This is an unplanned post – skipping my next installment of the Confederate Flag/Bobby story for a moment – to take you through a quick jog to review a journey I’ve been on for a couple weeks. I hope, by doing so, it encourages you.

Without going into too many personal details, my life has gone through a dramatic change which was unplanned and somewhat from left field. It included lies or at least promises that never existed in order to “blind” me, and it included being told descriptions about myself that had not occurred, or at least did not occur in the way I was told they did. For two weeks, I have been assessing myself, my recent past, asking for honest feedback from various people, going through the last couple years with a fine tooth comb…….and during that process I began to take on the yolk of a person I didn’t know. There was the horrible person I was introduced to two weeks ago, and the person those who provided feedback and who I more recognized. As is most often the case in life, the truth is probably somewhere in between.

But here’s the thing – I just accepted the horrible definition of me that I was given two weeks ago. Even though it didn’t really resonate with me. Even if it didn’t really add up to my daily approach to life or the ethos I thought defined my existence. Like a baby elephant that is chained to a stick as it is trained to be in captivity, I was slowly accepting this definition of me. Had I stayed with that acceptance process, my theoretical trainer would have been able to remove the chain from my leg and I would not wander off.

Instead, I’ve turned to focusing on my personal strength and noting how my actions align with them. You too can do this by doing to VIA Character Survey and seeing your core strengths.

My goal is doing this was to seek alignment and my true identity and not let others define who I am. To note my behaviors that feed those characteristics, the evidence that feeds those characteristics, and also to build up aspects of my character that may need some attention. To better use my character strength to overcome challenges and to remind myself I HAVE STRENGTHS. This process has been a fruitful endeavor.

You all have strengths and I encourage you to take the quiz. I am sharing my top 5 here as part of my own exercise as well as to show you that when we focus on our STRENGTHS, great things happen!

  1. Love Valuing close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing & caring are reciprocated; being close to people. VIRTUE CATEGORY: HUMANITY
  2. Honesty Speaking the truth but more broadly presenting oneself in a genuine way and acting in a sincere way; being without pretense; taking responsibility for one’s feelings and actions.VIRTUE CATEGORY: COURAGE
  3. Humor Liking to laugh and tease; bringing smiles to other people; seeing the light side; making (not necessarily telling) jokes.VIRTUE CATEGORY: TRANSCENDENCE
  4. Social intelligence Being aware of the motives/feelings of others and oneself; knowing what to do to fit into different social situations; knowing what makes other people tick. VIRTUE CATEGORY: HUMANITY
  5. Bravery Not shrinking from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain; speaking up for what’s right even if there’s opposition; acting on convictions even if unpopular; includes physical bravery but is not limited to it.VIRTUE CATEGORY: COURAGE

And just for reference, my last place character, which I confirm should be there ha:

24, Prudence Being careful about one’s choices; not taking undue risks; not saying or doing things that might later be regretted. VIRTUE CATEGORY: TEMPERANCE

Do not allow others to define who you are by using your character to suggest you are horrible.

For those that personally know me, I’d love to hear if you think these make sense!

The Beginning

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

Bobby sure appeared to mistrust me; I didn’t exactly blame him. I mean, I was a stranger, drove onto his driveway, and started talking to him about his history. When he realized the core of my questions related to his Confederate Flag, his response was what I had pretty much expected; distrust, defense, even a little scruffy anger. I quickly tried to explain myself, admitting I had been judging him for months but that I truly and sincerely wanted to understand from his point of view why he flew that flag. That I no longer wanted to be ignorant, or rely on my own perception, to paint my world view of his yard.

He didn’t immediately put his guard down.

Our first conversation was more of a harsh dance, colored heavily by today’s rhetoric of distrust and anger. References to free speech, the right to bear arms, and even trespassing were repeated more times than I could count. At one point, I seriously thought Bobby would spray me using the water hose he held in his hand menacingly. For my part, I tried to seem safe, almost casual, but the truth is – I am my mother’s daughter. I am pretty confident my words said the right thing, but my face was clearly displaying a message that was closer to “eat sh*t and die!”

But we made it through those moments.

That day, the lesson I learned was that education can be hard work. It can be scary. It can even be difficult to ignore your own “truth” that pulls you back so hard, it is almost easier to give into it than push through to seeking clarity. I learned that we, as humans, are too often controlled by opinions and rage, which comes much more naturally than by logic and calm. But despite all of that, I learned that succeeding in pushing through brings a goldmine of opportunity.

Introduction to Robert

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

Note: Throughout this post I refer to the “Confederate Flag”, it is in fact the Confederate BATTLE flag. I assumed everyone would picture that one, but stating it just to be safe.

I have lived in my current house just over two year. About 4 months after moving in, the location of my work office changed, thus changing my route to work. It is common to see Confederate Flag fly in the area I live in, but one house I started to pass was different; it was a beautiful house, with a super-well kept lawn, a nice large RV parked in a sizable driveway, and curb appeal that didn’t fit the stereotypical characteristics of “southern pride”. You know what I mean, I am sure….

The tall flag pole, since the first day I drove by, has always had its Confederate flag hung up, and as I usually do, I shook my head in dismay. “Why would ANYONE display that flag?” I mean, to me it was waving a cloth of betrayal – of treason – not to mention the racial overtones that come to mind to many people in this country. Each morning and evening I’d pass the beautiful yard and grimace as I’d see that damn flag hoisted as high as it could go, and I imagined the people that lived in the house. “Racist” was often at the list, followed often by “buddy, you lost the war!”

Week after week, the process repeated, until one day I wondered about the family a bit differently; I will admit I kept going back to the pristine appearance of the house and yard, and wondered how a person could make such beauty could also be so proud of what I perceived as a racist, hateful object. That train of thought lead me to wondering if their view of the flag was something all together different than mine. Could it be?

Then, about 4 months ago, I saw Robert for the first time as I drove by. I wasn’t surprised to see a white man appear in the yard, nor did his age – which I guessed was over 60 – make me immediately think nice thoughts about him. I assumed he disliked blacks, was an avid Trump supporter, and probably had more guns in his house than I had toilet paper. But still I wondered if I was viewing him through just as narrowly as I accused him of viewing the world through the white man’s world.

About 6 weeks ago, he was outside again, and something came over me. I admitted to myself that I was being somewhat racist in my opinions of him, based solely on his Confederate Flag. And, before I could talk myself out of it, I pulled into his driveway, exited my car, and introduced myself. I complimented him on his beautiful yard, and admitted that I was “a Yankee from Southern California” and would sincerely love to find out about his history, that of his family, and how it related to his beautiful home and the flag he flew.

Yeah, that went as awkward as it read!

But, it started a conversation that I will be sharing with you in this series, about all I learned from Robert, call him Bobby. Bobby is a retired engineer, he’s in his late 60’s, has been married a long time, has always lived in this area, and has dashing blue eyes below his bright white hair. He is fit, enjoys the outdoors, is very articulate, and didn’t think I was completely crazy, just maybe a little. Over the last few weeks, we had some interesting discussions, and I can’t wait to share them with you!

What I Would Say If I Could

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

Today, it is calm, though rainy, where I live. I have been enjoying the day move from sunny and warm to overcast….and still warm. The rain started and somehow its building rhythm distracted me from the book I am readying to thoughts of my Mother.

Most of my life, I felt a disconnection from my mom. She defined what I didn’t want to be, while I found comfort and security in my dad. She was loud, had huge mood swings, while he was always even keeled and calm. She pushed me to want to scream, and he soothed me. I always considered myself more like my dad, and I would emphasize that in numerous ways, year after year. I wasn’t ashamed of my mom, really, but the things I recognized in her I wanted to minimize, and the things I saw in my dad I emphasized.

Having the benefit of age, of days like this that allow me to gaze back on the years that brought me here, I realize so many years were wasted with my myopic view of my parents. I don’t mean to suggest the hugely important and real impact my dad has had on my life; but like many things we humans do with people, I created a fantasy of my own truth that I suppose I needed, but nonetheless fractures upon inspection. I cannot separate from the goodness and love my dad provided for me, but my mom was not the woman I believed her to be, at least not the extent I manufactured in my mind for too many years.

My mom, born in a generation where many words used were not considered racist, was the first person I really knew who accepted all walks of life without hesitation. She raised eyebrows by having friends that were black, Chinese, Jewish…..the list goes on. I don’t recall her ever saying a certain race was bad or anything negative. She never said I couldn’t have a friend due to their race. She divorced an abusive man when the stigma for being a single mom was worse than being a prostitute. She bore on her shoulders the thought that her own mother did not love her and was often a shadow in her own family history (distant relatives I’ve come across through Ancestry knew of her brothers/my uncles or even met them, but never knew they had a sister). She always seemed to want to be loved, but somehow built scenarios in which even the strongest love didn’t work. She definitely had her demons to content with, many of which I witnessed throughout my years and often ran from in dismay, but somehow always offered unconditional love and acceptance no matter how heated the last exchange might have been.

I see now that the woman I defined mostly as negative for most of my life was not this angry, irrational being. No. Instead, she was supportive. She was fearful. She was hungry for love. She was confident. She was intelligent. She was resilient. She didn’t step on those beside her, fighting to survive as she was. Instead, she shared what meager tools she had to assist them, too. Most often, she’d make a friend while doing so. I thought hard today, trying to remember when she spoke badly about someone or uttered words of judgment; I couldn’t. Even during the prolonged years of my own parent’s tumultuous divorce, she’d focus on the issues she was fighting for and never once spoke badly about my dad. Even as our own strained relationship ebbed and flowed as I grew into adulthood, trying so desperately to be anything but like her, she never told me I was not her daughter. She never made me feel like I’d failed her. She always spread her arms wide and welcomed me. Even when I exposed how broken I was, or how hurtful I could be, she loved me and shone with pride.

So I sit here, regretting the time I lost with her. How I failed to come to this realization completely when she was alive. How I failed to ask simple questions like how it felt as a little girl during World War II, or what her favorite meal was as a child, or how she reacted to her first period, or what country she always wanted to visit. How she survived such a hard life (and it was very hard) and yet come out loud, emotional, but always loving. How, in the years when she was home bound and fighting COPD, she avoided becoming a bitter, mean old woman. How, even as I overtly fought being like her, she never once said she was disappointed in me or suggested I lacked in anything. How, in fact, she built me up even if I was too ignorant to notice.

So today, I looked up at the cloudy, rain soaked sky, and spoke to her. I apologized for not asking those questions. I apologized for sitting days after her death, listening to horrible things be said about her, and doing nothing to defend her memory. I said I was proud to look so much like her, and yes, even act a lot like her, and admit I am glad that I do. I thanked her for all the unrealized gifts she provided throughout my life, feeling their weight like a gift and not regret. I thanked her for creating a model that I am just now embracing wholly, instead of as an example of what I should avoid.

I am forever thankful that she knew my love, that she heard from my mouth that she was a great mom to me before she died. I am thankful that I could feel her love once more before she left. And I am thankful that I am so much like her, even if just realizing it.