Disclaimer:  This post totally lives up to the “Just Rambling” name, with no subject, no thesis, no nothing……..

Why can’t seeing people suffer with untreatable diseases be easier to handle?  I don’t know, that made me realize how I struggle to take control of things.  I want to fix this or deal with that.  I want to move and shake and make things happen.  And sometimes, well, I can’t!  And that – excuse my French – pisses me off.  But, at the same time, I cringe when well meaning individuals shake their hands at God for not healing someone or for not stopping a tragedy from happening.  I mean, most would say they wouldn’t want God controlling their lives day-to-day…..like telling them how to speak or how fast to drive or what to wear or whether or not to drink or dance or whatever.  But often, when something BAD happens, He’s the first to be blamed!

I say, sheesh, free will goes both ways people!  And God never promised us a non-tough life.

Anyway, I totally have control issues.  I want to be all things to all people…..well, maybe all things to some people.  And I can’t.  And I want to make everyone happy or comfortable or relaxed.  Sometimes I succeed, but often I fail.  Or I become “the Gina of the moment”, which really means I am trying to be what I THINK they want me to be.  I am better at not doing that, but sheesh.  Hard work.

So tonight I am trying not to control things.  Have been trying to write lyrics to a song I wrote last December over Christmas called “Butterflies”.  It’s a little difficult….partly because that moment is gone, partly because I am just not in the mood to write lyrics.  Usually I write lyrics, then the music.  Sometimes, like with my song Wasted, I wrote the music first.  Not that ANY of my songs are worthy of much more than giving me something to do, but I DO enjoy it very much!  I guess that’s another re-focus I can work on…..making music for ME and not expecting anyone else to even care!

On that note, I DO miss playing the drums very much – mostly with a band duh.  There’s something to be said for melding with a band.  A few months ago Edgar and I were listening to some older song we did in the 90’s….listening to his brother Eric’s guitar playing…..listening to more recent recordings from me playing at church.  It’s kind of surreal on both counts – looking back at “our youth” like that, and also realizing wow!  That was some awesome fun times and the music was pretty good, too!  But mostly I miss FEELING the music, becoming a part of it, knowing exactly what is needed and when, and only dropping a drumstick once in a while…..

And that reminds me!  At my last “corporate” job, we had staff meetings every week which included worship time.  I was the main drummer for a while…..I think it was during Christmas one year and I was kind of bored.  Drums are not that big with Christmas carols, you know?  Anyway, one song DID have drums of sorts and I was playing, but being kind of blasé with everything.  It was a moment when the music was playing but people were praying.  All of a sudden, I hit the high hat coming up with the drumstick in my right hand and BAM – it flew out of my hand and landed JUST out of reach to my left.  Dang!  So I tried to cover the best I could, stretching out my foot trying to get the stick, and was relieved that no one saw the fiasco happen.  (I say, yeah for praying!)  Then, later in the day while in the galley getting coffee, Wendy (accounting chick) comes up to me and says, “Gina, I so saw you drop the drumstick!  You were trying to be so sly!”  Do you know how many years I had to hear about that!  LOL

So anyway, if you know of old people trying to be young with a band who needs a drummer, let me know!

Oh, and I haven’t forgotten about the Disneyland pics…..but I think they were accidenally deleted.  Still checking.  In the mean time, here are some funny ones from Easter.  Yeah, sorry I didn’t get dolled up for these……you can see them by clicking here.  It is stored in Facebook, so email or comment me if you have any problems.

OH, and I was fortunate enough to have a massage last night at a location here in SCV called Massage Envy!  They are GREAT, reasonably priced, and boy did they get the stress out of me for HALF the cost of Glen Ivy!  If you are near this area, let me know and I can get you discount entrance!  Seriously!

Gina OUT!

……….call up that one person from your past to say you missed him/her, even still loved him/her, would you?

………apologize for the thing you did to a relative years and years ago, would you?

………kiss for hours and hours, never worrying about anything else, would you?

……….forget about the past and live in the moment, would you?

……….think about someone you lost and forget everything but the good times, would you?

……….fight off the feeling of helplessness and sorrow, and take ONE STEP forward, would you?

……….laugh at yourself long and hard, would you?

……….treat one stranger with kindness, with no strings attached…..would you?

I hope you would…….

So, due to many factors (my mom’s poor health, the long hours at work, and such) I decided to put my MBA on hold right now.  That kind of makes me a quitter!  But I am cool with that.  On the other hand, my friend Sonya posted on her Facebook (FB) tonight that she was thinking of doing the Orange County Mud Run in July.  You may remember Sonya as the friend I did boot camp with last summer.

Well, in the course of 15 minutes, I called Kenny (who has been wanting to do a 5k for the longest time) and sent a message to Kirstie as well.  I signed myself and Kenny up for the event and told Sonya!  AND, I had a specific training plan set up for me so that I can actually RUN the mud as much as possible!  I start Monday!  Woohoo!

What’s funny is that just today I was thinking that I needed SOMETHING to get me working out again.  Isn’t God amazing to answer THOUGHTS???  LOL  I hope I am this excited when I start working on running, which is NOT one of my most favorite things to do.

For more info on the run, check out this site.

I will try to update you as things move forward…..

By Jet

So answer the question dammit.  LOL

I am getting a complex – I keep getting blank emails from NO ONE!  How does that happen?  Is it a reflection of how lame I am????

By Aerosmith

Remember, every song I post on my “song days” I have on my iPod.  🙂  I guess I am very eclectic!

This song explains itself and I resonate with it!

Lyrics

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you’re far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And Im wondering what you’re dreaming
Wondering if its me you’re seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God were together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

I don’t want to miss one smile
I don’t want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
I don’t want to miss a thing

So here are some questions:

• Why do I keep getting blank emails in my inbox?  From….NO ONE!  And the message?  NOTHING!  Sheesh
• Why would someone pay nearly $100,000 on a beautiful, luscious Mercedes convertible sports car, only to stick an Automobile Club sticker on the bumper?
• Why do some drivers stay in the left lane that they can CLEARLY see has construction ahead…..staying until the very last minute, even driving JUST next to the orange cones?  And there is NOT traffic in this example….
• What good is an accounting program when nothing works?
• Can tomorrow be Friday?

Gina, out…..

Just to warn you, I have had only one cup of coffee!

Although I am NOT a therapist, psychologist, or any other licensed individual, I HAVE received plenty of therapy to have a sense of what makes sense.  Like, for example, it makes more sense to address specific issues you have with someone when you are seeking to find closure than dredge up every slight on the face of the earth that may have happened OR state how you view their life – even in unrelated areas.  Or that, to be  a good parent, there will be times when your kids “hate” you.  Or, if you are in a relationship or in love, you will have tough times on occasion.  That communication is hard work.  That forgiveness means letting go and sometimes you have to do that without hearing “I forgive you” from the other party.  That forgiveness doesn’t mean things go back “to normal”.  That forgiveness is an action for both parties, but mostly for you.

Why am I sharing this?  Well, I think I have looked at things incorrectly.  I have already shared that I expect forgiveness and yet don’t always offer it (I think that’s true for a lot of us).  And I have been “taught” over the last few months to change my view.  But in doing so, I am learning that, just because I am seeking to forgive, I cannot and should not EXPECT anything.  I should not expect forgiveness from others, even if I’ve asked for it.  I should not expect the pain or hurt I have caused to miraculously disappear.  I should not expect a group of long-haired people to sing “Kumbaya” as I high five those around me as I pridefully say, “Yeah, another one down!  Forgiveness rocks and I rock!”

Forgiveness is more important than that.  It is knowing you have addressed an issue and humbly faced it.  Knowing what you did, whether intentional or not, caused an issue (pain, hurt, awkwardness, whatever).  And then, acknowledging that issue to the parties involved – especially yourself.  In doing so, you process it for yourself and HOPEFULLY, release any angst for the others.  However, it should not be done to find peace, although that is a by product.  You should not do it merely to be reconciled.  You should not do it to get rid of guilt.  You should do it because its the right thing to do, period.

Here’s another example of what I am trying to say.  For years I have purposefully allowed drivers with blinkers on to change lanes in front of me, but then would get irritated if they would not say thank you.  “How inconsiderate!” I would think!  Sheesh, after my obvious nice action and they didn’t say thanks?  But recently I realized – in having that attitude, the emphasis was on that I was being nice and the “sin” was that it wasn’t acknowledged.  But really, was that what I was doing for?  Did I do it to be acknowledged as nice?  No, I did it because it was the right thing to do as a courteous driver.  So, with the focus changed, if I let someone change lanes in front of me, I never expect a thank you, because I should let them in because it’s the right thing to do.  And, if I DO get a thank you, then its gravy.

Not sure if I’m REALLY making sense – maybe I should get another cup of coffee……but the bottom line for me today is – I will continue to forgive, will try to express that verbally to those that need to hear it, and not expect anything else.  Because that is the right thing to do.  And, even though I am sure to blow it over and over again, I yearn to do the right thing.

No, I promise, this is not going to be a downer post.  Although I COULD write on and on about how things can suck, that is not for this post.  I know, disappointing!

So there is some pretty crazy things that happen in life.  Yesterday, when I arrived in the parking lot at my work, I hear a loud BANG behind me.  My eyes snapped up to my rear view mirror, as I had already pulled into a space, and I viewed a jeep moving in the parking lot behind me.  When I got out of my car, I saw the craziest thing – a car facing the Jeep had driven over the curb between them, driver over a grass barrier/hill, and crashed into the Jeep!  But the fun doesn’t stop there!  The driver of the car, an elderly man, backed the car up and took off!  The poor Jeep owner, a woman visiting from Montana, had a badly hurt car and none of us was able to get his plate number!

Life – wow!

There are times when my day resembles that of the Jeep owner, if only metaphorically.  I am minding my own business and BAM! – something hits me and then takes off.  There are so many such occasions in my life actually.  And, unfortunately, the REAL problem is my reaction to it.  I have been angry, withdrawn, devastated, or not reactive enough.  I have spent way too much time thinking of the scenario in the first place and far too less dealing with the issue OR getting on with my life.

But sometimes I CAN and DO react in a positive manner.  I know, its a stretch.

Another four letter word – WORK.  I am very thankful I have a job, yes.  In fact, I just got a raise and I am very thankful for that.  I have all the trappings of an “important” job; a laptop, a company phone, I can and do sign checks, and I manage people.  However, I am currently having to face some serious CRAP (another four letter word, I might add) and it’s not pleasant.  In fact, the more I shovel the crap out, more seems to fall in.

PITY party is sort of a four letter word, too!

And I haven’t stated this in a while, but I love my Mac!  I have an HP for work, with Vista no less, and it’s OKAY…..(another four letter word), but it sure doesn’t touch the power and ease of my Mac!  Gosh, when I added my wireless printer, it took like 2 minutes with the Mac….I won’t even SAY what it took with horrible Vista!  Sheesh!  But I am not a hater…..and if you want a PC you get it, okay?  I really don’t care!

Okay, if you have any four letter words you would like to share, have at it.  Just keep it clean!

Gina OUT!