Not Sure the Definition of My Thoughts….

…..I WAS going to title this “Deep Thoughts”, but they’re not that deep…..and well, I think I overuse that phrase.  So then I thought, “Shallow Thoughts”, but well, they aren’t shallow either and I surely don’t want to imply that my thoughts aren’t important (at least to me!).  So hence, my ambiguous and – okay, I will admit it – lame title!

No one likes to be rejected.  Conversely, most would acknowledge they want acceptance.  I seek acceptance the most from the people I love… probably do, too.  And when I feel as though I haven’t received it in some areas of my life, I get what I call “sensitivity buttons”.  Like today, there was a scene in the movie “Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs” where I totally wanted to cry.  Not that it was a sad scene – perhaps it is best described as a touching scene.  In any case, it made me feel very clearly that I was missing a part in my life because of what I perceive as non-acceptance.  And while acknowledging it was not a surprise, the emotions it evoked totally blindsided me.

When I was younger, more naive if you will, and expected “everything to work out” the way I wanted it to, I would have angst until all the pieces fell into their perfect places.  This often meant I needed to change ME so that I could obtain the acceptance I so yearned.  I was cool with that when I was younger, although now I know it cost me to do that as well.  Now, while I have progressed to a point of accepting myself for who I am, I still often want all the pieces to fall into their smooth places and everyone end up feeling hunky dory.  But I realize, I am not there and the pieces may never fit back together.  This DOES make me sad, as today showed me (even if I try to put on a brave face to myself as well as to everyone else).  But instead of me trying to figure out what I can do to “fix this”, which used to be changing to be “more acceptable”, I am facing my emotions.  I am letting my feelings of being rejected (or whatever the case may be) flow through me and acknowledging that I really can’t fix this as this is not my problem.  I have been honest, something that I have failed at in the past, and I have been candid – lying now about the truth to somehow gain acceptance is not cool.  And yet, facing this fact doesn’t add to my emotions, but almost frees me.  I am no longer chained by my past behaviors, but I certainly do feel pain.  The pain is tied to the perceived rejection, but I am feeling stronger knowing that fighting that rejection no longer pushes me to change the truth of me.

This may make no sense to you, but it has helped me tremendously!  :

Gina Out

One thought on “Not Sure the Definition of My Thoughts….

  1. I understand your thoughts and need for acceptance.After turning forty , I realized I could only do so much. You are still cool ( you have the sport injuries to prove it) . It hurt a lot to realized there is nothing to bridge the gap between myself and my sister. I no longer feel burdened with the thoughts..if only I did this, but a relief that I now longer need to beat myself up about something that takes two. Today I am free of those thoughts and am grateful for the life I have and the friends I’ve chosen. The truth does set you free, if you are brave enjoy. Love you very much and and happy that you are getting closure:)

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