I wrote this after my separation, at the time before my divorce was final. It reflects on how my life was up until that point and what might be found in the future. It reminds me of where I was at the time, but more importantly, it gives me hope today. Times can and are tough, but there is always something positive to be found. Here you go:
It’s amazing really – how life can be. You are living your life and things are pretty good; you don’t even know that things can be better. Still, there’s a place deep down inside, a place you don’t even realize, that is secretly screaming out for something….different. As if a piece of you is missing that, without it, will eventually kill you. When the day comes when you find this missing piece, you are amazed that you survived so long without it.
That’s where I’ve now found myself. I seem to have had, to the entire world, the perfect life. In fact, I have often been railed against with jealousy because everything seemed to be going for me. Yet it was something hard to feel excitement for my life, and that confused me. Why couldn’t I see what everyone else saw? So the game began where I’d have to live the life others thought I should live. A life where I was happy all the time, where they relied on me to make them laugh, to be strong, to always be positive, to always be in control. And I admit, most of these qualities DO come easily to me, but there has always been an added burden to maintain this person everyone expected to see.
I have to acknowledge that I protected this image. As much as I ignored that little screaming piece of me, I’m surprised that change ever came in my life. I would guard myself in ways that I didn’t notice – by never really letting people know me, by never showing or allowing myself to feel sad, by wondering with surprise where my anger would flare from, and question why it was so intense. My image became the very thing that WAS me, and without really articulating it, I knew that without my image, I was nothing. Still that secret piece of me cried out for attention, only to be ignored.
Imagine my surprise when my world began to change! Looking back, it becomes easy to see how things evolved, but when it was happening there was just a big blur before my eyes. The subtle way change sneaks up on you, shakes you up, and throws you back down – grinning at the whirlwind effect it has had on your life – is amazing. What my old self would call a mess, with the scattered pieces lying everywhere, my new self embraced like a drowning person would embrace a floating device. I don’t know if I should laugh or cry with happiness, but I do know that I now feel complete for the first time in my life.
Change, for me, began when I allowed myself to have a friendship that was real. That sounds strange, I know. How can I have so many friends, but not a real one? But in truth, how can you have a friendship when all you give back is your image? So, the piece of me deep inside began to dislodge and take shape when this friendship started to form. I began to FEEL….which is different from acting like I should act. I began to TRUST….which is different from protecting my image. I began to CRY….which was a big, big mistake in my past life. I began to LOVE….myself and my friend, something that was really impossible before. And through it all, I began to live.
I am still trying to figure out how this all works, but I have new meaning now. I can feel my whole being slowly changing, and it may mean that I am more real to others. But for now, I am content with where I am. I have so much to be thankful for, REALLY! I want to digest all that has occurred and feel the contentment seep through my body. And I can’t help but think – it’s amazing really – how life can be.