Church. The Struggle.

Tonight I read an article that I came across in my newsfeed on Facebook.  I have to admit, it seemed more angry than I personally feel towards the church, at least right now.  Yet, to be completely candid, the article DID bring up some pretty good points, and focused on many of the things I have personally gone through in my own walk as a LGBT Christian.

This article did get me thinking, so I wanted to share something with you regarding “church”.  It’s a struggle for me, and perhaps you may be surprised as to why.

To knock out the obvious, going to most churches is awkward for my family.  More often than not, we can’t just go to a church to check it out.  No, instead we have to vet it out; check out their web page, see if there are any notations about homosexuality on their “what we believe” sections, and I usually email the Pastor and straight out ask if it would be a problem if we attended.  Only about 40% of the respondents indicate “no, please don’t come” (or variations of the context, some not in a mean way though some of which are pretty aggressive about sin, though those happen only about 5% of the time).  45% struggle with what to say, hoping not to offend but still unable to respond in a positive way.  These sound more like, “wow, of course we hope you come over, though we have never had any such people in our church and we are not sure how the congregation would respond.”  Some ask if “we look gay”, wonder if they could meet with us before we attend, and that sort of thing.  10% have been affirming, and 5% have been predominantly LGBT churches.

I have to say, however, that it isn’t “easy” to go to a gay church, really.  I mean, our kids aren’t gay, you know?  And, in relation to OUR experience, more often than not when we attend the 15% gay or affirming churches, they are less conservative.  And, really, we like a more conservative, non-denominational church.  But the more conservative churches that are around are apt to not want us there.  So, can you imagine the struggle?  To sum it up, we really don’t fit into either church.

But even beyond that, what I REALLY, REALLY wish for is to just be able to go to church with my family.  Period.  I would LOVE to not even have to talk about the fact that Deana and I are LGBT.  In BOTH scenarios, we just want to worship our Lord and Savior, get into the Word, be fed and recharged with brothers and sisters in Christ, and not have this layer of “us” that truly just gets in the way.  It’s like having an extra layer of clothing on each time we go to church that makes it difficult to enter into the holy of holies.  It’s like walking with a scarlet letter on our lapels and everyone focuses on that letter instead of what we really are attending church for……and that just seems so wrong.  So, personally speaking, I avoid that.  Because it just seems like a circus to me, in both types of churches. And yet, when I do that, my very spirit suffers for it as I remove myself from fellowship.  From worship.  From what I believe I was created to do.  So I attend and work though it, but the cycle continues.

So, my heart of prayer often says, “Lord, let me be authentic, yes.  But can’t it just be about You?  Can’t we just assemble and BE?  Can’t we just kneel and sing and pray and listen and encourage and interact and follow?  Can’t it just be about learning to be more like You?”

So, in most ways I’ve tried to forgive, yes.  I don’t sit here hating evangelicals or wave my fist at those who condemn me to hell.  It hurts, I won’t lie, but I don’t despise the ones who say that so much today.  But what I miss, what my soul yearns for, is to just be able to worship.  Without asking.  Without wondering if my presence is offensive or bothering someone.  Without thinking the LGBT brothers and sisters with me are more interested in getting more churches to accept us.  Without even thinking about sexuality.  I yearn to just see the face of Jesus, to hold the hand of someone hurting as I pray with them, to laugh at a Pastor’s anecdote during a sermon, to cry with joy as I consider the vast love that God provides you and me for each moment of our lives, to be more like Him, and to do it not as an LGBT anything, but as a sister in Christ.

And, well, I am still praying.

What?!!?! Kirstie moved OUT?!!?!!?…..and other Amazing Stories

Well, hello! It’s been a while since I’ve written and for that I apologize. I have plenty of excuses for this lack of action here, but I won’t put you thru the boring steps of reading them……

First, some business:

  • Today is my Aunt Kay’s Birthday! Special shout out to my favorite Aunt! I pray that today is filled with myriad blessings at that 2009 turns out to be one of the best years of your life!
  • This week I had two positive experiences on the job front (but no offers) and also prepared and presented my first business proposal through my new consulting firm, Minard Services. To learn more about this step I am taking, check out my site.
  • For a few years I had an avid reader of this blog, someone who snuck to it during class and often made the best comments. Now, she has started her own blog as well! Check it out here.

Now, for the formal update!

Kirstie Has Left the Nest!

Kirstie, who turned 18 this past September, has been attending college since August. She is a nice blend of me and Edgar, being somewhat shy but outgoing at the same time. Around Christmas she mentioned she had made some friends at school who shared an apartment very close to the campus, and was considering moving in with them. I listened, as a good mother does, but I seriously didn’t take what she was saying to heart because, well, she had it made at home. So, when she brought it up again this past week, and when doing so had more details and very detailed questions, my little mother ears popped up. Suddenly, I KNEW she was serious! My first reaction was YES, she’s moving out! But as the reality of the situation manifested itself, I began to think……OMG, my baby is leaving!

I ain’t gonna lie, this has been a tad hard for me. I worry about her – not that she will be hurt or anything……more like, “Does she have all the staple items she probably takes for granted? Is she washing her clothes? Will she have enough money for rent AND food AND fun? Will she clean her room?” The list goes on. What is hilarious about this concern is that it started about 2 hours after she moved out. LOL

So, yesterday I stopped by her place to see it and hang out. It IS a nice place and her set up is cute. We went to dinner together and then went shopping. She bought a bike so that she can ride it to school, thus saving the VERY HIGH parking fee for school. I gave her a bit of money so she doesn’t have to stress and then I left. And I felt better but maybe not completely. 🙂 This whole thing is new for me so I know it will take time to adjust…..

Restoration and Peace

In the last few months, I have eluded here that I lost a very close friend. I did, and it was based in large part on my own actions. Well, actions that I knew would upset her. I think there were more factors on both sides that lead to the ending that occurred, but it is what it is.

What was hard for me, though, is that I missed her very much. She and I melded in ways hard to express here. I didn’t know how to deal with that loss and figured she hated me. I thought about contacting one of her daughters to figure if there was even a chance we could talk, but then I decided to go straight to the source. So, I sent the following text:

“Hey hope you’re doing well. Is it unreasonable for me to request dinner or meeting for a cocktail?”

A quick moment passed and I received the following response:

“Yep”

Honestly, my heart dropped as I realized the damage I had truly caused. I felt the realization of my loss yet again, then chastized myself for focusing only on my feelings. As I drove (yes, I am now breaking California law…), I responded:

“Ok sorry”

I continued to absorb the reality of the situation, envisioning the years of friendship from the past and the potential emptiness of the future, when I received the following text:

“Oops, I said it backwards! I meant I’d be open”

Wow! So, although it is fair to say that there are always consequences to our actions and relationships can be altered by things we do, we met and it went well. I was concerned about the initial interaction, but it amazed me that sitting down with her was COMFORTABLE. It’s like when you are wearing new shoes all day and they are rubbing your toes wrong or too tight around your heel, and then you get home and put on your favorite pair of shoes and go, “aaaggghhhhh!” So, at least for me, the night was much about that “aaaggghhhh!” feeling.

Wow, That is a Cool Story!

I missed much of the hoopla during the day regarding the plane crash into the Hudson River as I had an interview and then went to see Kirstie. So when I walked home and saw interviews and heard the details, I was amazed and happy that no one was killed. So, it is with this reverence and appreciation that I share this story about the pilot of the plane, Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger III. The story made me smile and I hope you enjoy it!

Okay, I have TONS of homework to get to, so GINA OUT!

Next time, I will share about my Academy Award plans!

Gina Goes to Court….

….and other wastes of time!

Okay, not sure if I mentioned on this site the fact that I got a speeding ticket this past summer. I speed everyday – my “zone” of speed on the freeway is right around 80 – so it was just a matter of time before I got a speeding ticket. I don’t really have a bone to pick with the CHP officer that gave me the ticket – it is what it is.

On a side note, back in the 70’s when Chips was a popular show about the CHP officers, it used to tick my Dad off when non-Californians referred to CHP officers as “chips”. No one here calls them that!

Anyway, Gina paid for this ticket and traffic school, but in the craziness of her life and all the moves, misplaced the notice for traffic school. Said form was found last Wednesday, at which time I noticed I had until 1/12 to get my traffic school done. Um, not gonna happen! So I called the court and was told I needed to see a judge. I went there the following afternoon with Kirstie (who I had to bribe with sushi to go with me) and was told I needed to come at 7:30 the next morning to get in the court queue. I did that, only to find out that it took several hours to get through the process and, unfortunately, I had an interview in Woodland Hills at 11 am, so decided to take a chance and go back to court on Monday the 12th.

So that brings me to today, the 12th. I almost didn’t go – I was SO TIRED this morning and was like, forget it. But then Edgar’s mom convinced me to go. I was in line 40 minutes later with the others who had traffic issues – some more serious than mine. We were assigned our courts and viola – there we went.

The bailiff for my court was a man in his late 50’s or early 60’s, with a shaved head, and a big gun. He reminded me of my Dad because he was kind of buff and intimidating to look at. He was also a “no nonsense” kind of guy who had no problem yelling out things like, “Hey USC (referring to the guy’s sweatshirt), take your hat off” or “white shirt, stop talking right now”. He and his gun scared me way more than the judge!

When I was called with my group to see the judge, I had already determined I probably didn’t need a lengthy story as to why I was there, why I had waited so long to deal with traffic school, or anything like that. Others before me just stood there as he assigned a new deadline. In fact, one kid was there for not wearing his helmet on his bicycle…..let me tell you, that is expensive, especially when it was the second offense! The kid’s Dad tried to get the fee reduced, but the judge was like, “he didn’t take a warning last time, and next time if he is in my court the fee will be even higher”.

ANYWAY, when my turn came, I stood silently, careful not to touch the table in front of me or put my hands in my pockets (two serious offenses that really got the bailiff’s blood boiling). The judge looked at me from his high perch and asked, “Are you here for two cases?”

“No, I am here for one case.”

“Well, why do I have two cases?”

“I am not sure, Sir. I am here to extend my traffic school deadline.”

“Oh okay. You have until February 25th. I can’t extend it again so make sure you take care of it by that date. You are free to go to the cashier.”

“Thank you judge.”

I left pretty quick, not daring to lock eyes with Mr. I-Can-Shoot-You-Just-Give-Me-A-Reason Bailiff, and headed to another queue, waiting for my name to be called. I figured it would be a while since I saw many of the faces that talked to the judge ahead of me. I sat down, began to read on of my new books, and relaxed. Suddenly, I hear, “Gina Mxxxxx, window 10”. I was so surprised, and really pleased, and walked to the window with a little skip in my step.

“Are you Gina Mxxxxx?”

“Yes.”

“The judge is calling you back to Court.” Dun dun dun!

I walked back into the court with my mind spinning. Did he see the ticket I got last month and now wants to revoke the extension? Did he have questions about why I waited until the last minute to do this? Was there another problem I have no idea about? Don’t you just hate when your mind can think of worse case scenarios so quickly?!?!!?!

When I walked in, the Bailiff looked my once over like I was a moving target, looked back at the man facing the judge, and I sat quickly in a seat. I had no idea when I would be called by the judge, if I needed to check in or something, but I was NOT going to call attention to myself or give Mr. Bailiff a reason to touch his gun. So I sat there, not knowing if this day was going to turn into a horribly long one. Fortunately, as the man with the judge finished, the judge called my name.

“Gina Mxxxxx” I stood before him without a word, facing straight ahead, and tried to not look guilty or nervous. “I found your other case, sorry for the confusion. Do you plead guilty or do you want a trial.”

So let me explain this new issue a bit for reference – back in December I left work (one of the worse days ever – in fact, the day before I quit) and was a mess. I was sobbing in the car, tears running down my face, and utterly despondent. I was living in Woodland Hills at the time and driving from Tustin. For those of you out of the So Cal area, this meant I would be driving 1 1/2 to 2 hours in traffic. I was driving my friend’s hybrid car, which allowed me to access the carpool lane even though I was alone. When I got on the freeway, traffic was HORRIBLE and I didn’t have much time to get to the carpool lane, especially since the freeway I needed totally blocked the carpool lane off with concrete barriers. I aggressively changed lanes in the 5-10 mpg traffic, tears running down my face, totally absorbed in the fact that my life pretty much sucked at that moment.

When I made it to the fast lane, I soon realized the carpool lane was just as congested and, further, the people there didn’t care that my car’s blinker was signaling that I wanted in, too. (This is a common problem with driving in rush hour traffic in California.) Anyway, those of you who know me for real, know that this sort of problem has never been a real issue to me. Not sure if my confidence level is unrealistic or if I don’t care about my car, but it’s amazing how well people move when you don’t give them a choice. LOL So, as the entry/broken line to the carpool was ending, I pushed my way in.

This is where it gets ugly. I promise you, if I DID cross the yellow line, it was my back tire and it was less than 5 feet. This was after fighting to get into the carpool lane. Believe me, as I mentioned earlier, I am not one to say “that is so unfair” when I get a ticket for something I know I have done wrong. I HAVE crossed the yellow line on many occasions, and if I had been pulled over, I would have resigned to accept the consequences. However, this was NOT the case on this night. (And, frankly, I am not interested in hearing from anyone telling me this was my karma for the times I DID break the law, so please refrain.)

I drove for several miles, minding my own business, eating my sunflower seeds (they calm me and taste good!), still kind of crying because of the drama at work. Then, suddenly, blue and red lights.

I am going to cut this description short because, well, my blood is starting to boil again! I got a ticket for crossing the yellow line and, well, the CHP officer was training a newbee! I was a little pissy with him, telling him it was a far stretch and that he saw the entire thing (he claimed he was behind me and crossed the yellow line as well to follow me) but I was like, whatever. I even accused him of trying to meet a quota.

Side note: Accussing an officer of ANYTHING is, well, not recommended.

Also, crying apparently does NOT work, even though I was crying for another reason.

So anyway, this was the ticket the judge called me back for, and which I am contemplating going to trial for since I think it is bogus and also because I am not eligible for traffic school anyway. (That, and the fact it is a $400 fine!). But, I was NOT prepared to address that today, and that is what I told the judge. Fortunately, the court clerk interjected that I had until February 24th to respond to the court for that ticket.

“Oh,” the judge said, “I see. I will go ahead and record no action for you and you can take care of this later. You are free to go.” I hit the floor pretty quick, not taking the chance of the judge or Mr. I-Carry-A-Gun changed their minds, and headed back to the hall. Once out the door, I was able to feel my relief – whew, nothing about the extension! I went back to the cashier area, waiting for a while, got my extension paperwork, and hit the road!

And that, my friends, is the recap of my day in court!

On another side note, I have decided to create a new page on this blog. I used to have a book review page, but now I have a Books I’m Reading page.  If you’re extremely bored, check it out!

And, no I haven’t scheduled my traffic school yet!  🙂

2009? Really?!?!!?

Well, Happy New Year to everyone!  I have not been in the mood to write much, but I promise that will change soon…..at least I hope it does!

Kenny, Josh and I went skiing/snowboarding over the New Year with Rita.  It was fun but boy, did I get sore!  I promise to post pics soon.

2008 Recap

2008 was filled with LOTS of things……here are some of them:

Kirstie 2008

Kirstie with me at my MBA Orientation of Hope International University

  • Josh - First Day of School
  • Josh – First Day of School
  • The Angels Rock!
  • The Angels Rock
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    Sleepy days……

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    And the consequences of the only one falling asleep!

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    And perpetual paparazzi avoidance…….

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    New Friends

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    Amazing memories!

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    And fun activities!

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    Cool kids…….

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    And manifestations of tempers!

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    Music Production……

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    New loves…..

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    And the comfort of family!

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    New toys…..

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    and the winner’s circle!

    See, 2008 had some fun happenings!!!

    See Ya, 2008!

    I don’t know if it’s my age or what, but the years sure pass by quickly nowadays! I was just getting used to the sound of 2008, and now it’s gone! And then I think about years past and it amazes me that the memories are piling up so high…..sigh!

    So 2008 was an interesting year…..well, it could even be described as a horrible year in many ways. And maybe some of my regular readers expect me to recap those horrible parts. But I actually don’t feel like it! Right now I can’t help but think that, even with the tough part of the year, God has been faithful and brought me to the point of feeling His peace – not to mention that I’ve grown in ways I never thought possible. So, I’ve decided that these pieces of my year are more important to reflect on than the unfortunate circumstances that, ultimately, helped me on the journey.

    • I appreciate the love and support of my friends over the year. Paramount in my mind are Rona and Stephanie, who helped me in ways that words cannot express.
    • I have been able to live well this year, even without being employed most of the year. During the summer months especially, the time I spent with the boys was AMAZING! I would not change that for anything.
    • Even though I hurt my shoulder, I am blessed to have COBRA and was able to have it fixed.
    • I was able to see some amazing things this year; front row, just off center seats in Madison Square Garden with Cathy, where we watched Bon Jovi rock! The next night wasn’t bad either – 8th row! Seeing NYC, being in Central Park, and getting hot dogs and pizza were amazing, too! I appreciate Cathy giving me those memories.
    • Spending a fun-filled mini-vacation at the Disneyland Resort with the boys was great fun too. It truly seems to be the happiest place on earth.
    • Forging friendships for life filled this year. Edgar is truly my best friend and I am so glad to have him back in my life. Rita has shown me that it’s okay to be honest. Eddie, my brother, has reminded me that unconditional love does exist. Anita (Edgar’s Mom) has shown me that friendship takes on many shapes and convention should not be a determination.
    • I have gotten so close to Kirstie this year that I cannot express how happy I am.
    • I can talk to my Dad and Ellie and love spending time with them.
    • I have been blessed by the internet in that I can easily communicate with family members who live far away; Aunt Kay, Cousins Lori and Christine, even Edgar’s brother Eric – all the way in Hungary!
    • I love Gracie and am so glad she is part of my life! She fills spaces I never knew existed.

    Okay, that’s all I have right now! Maybe more later!