Den of Vipers – Part 3

June 25, 2019June 25, 2019 / Gina Marie / Leave a comment

This is based around Mark 3:1-5 ESV

Many Christians today have built their day-to-day dealings and world view around the Bible, or so they claim. Hear me, I don’t think having a Christian or Biblical World View is wrong – I went to a Christian University because of mine – but sometimes we followers lose sight of the real goal in doing so. Too often, we create parameters or definitions of morality and then hold people around us to those standards that they might not even follow. Or we interpret “the rules” we follow in the Bible and treat them as more sacred than God, losing site of the ultimate goal in the first place.

Take the recent push for “religious freedom” laws spreading across the USA. In the name of Christianity (which the USA is not supposed to honor more than other religions), employers and businesses are being given the right to refuse services to people they define as outside their belief system. Most often, these people are homosexuals. So, in some states, a restaurant can refuse service to a gay couple or a doctor can refuse to offer medical treatment to a gay person. Why? “I do not agree with their lifestyle, the Bible says it is wrong.”

When Jesus walked the earth, the Pharisees and Scribes had PLENTY of things they called wrong as well, most of which they based on the Bible. As previously shared, eating with the “impure” was a big no no, and yet Jesus did it and chastised the leaders when they called Him out. “True” Jews followed strict rules, even when they were under the power of Rome, and were fearful of being kicked out of the faith if they failed. One such rule was honoring the Sabbath; the Pharisees already had a run in with Jesus when His disciples pulled grain to eat on the Sabbath, so they were watching for a misstep to give them authority to arrest Him. Here’s how the new situation went down:

Again he entered the synagogue, and a man was there with a withered hand. And they watched Jesus, to see whether he would heal him on the Sabbath, so that they might accuse him. And he said to the man with the withered hand, “Come here.” And he said to them, “Is it lawful on the Sabbath to do good or to do harm, to save life or to kill?” But they were silent. And he looked around at them with anger, grieved at their hardness of heart, and said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was restored.

Jesus challenged the Pharisees’ interpretation of the Law because it lacked love and compassion. It made rules more important than people, just like I believe the new “morality laws” under the banner of “religious freedom” do today. The rules the Pharisees insisted on and people today insist on not only are not founded upon love, they do not incorporate the law of love that Paul wrote so much about. Jesus instead did what was good and kind and loving: he met that man’s need in love and healed him – even on the Sabbath. And I believe Jesus would provide food service to a gay couple and medical service to a gay man.

I pray that we, especially those in this country that are Christians, stop manifesting this problem today. May we stop struggling with letting rules be more important than loving people. May we definitely strive to be good and do what is right, but not forget the bottom line of LOVE.

My Voice For Pride

June 17, 2018June 12, 2019 / Gina Marie / Leave a comment

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June is Gay (or LGBT) Pride Month. Many of you know that, but I didn’t want to assume…..so there you go. Many people, I’d venture to guess, think of men dressed as women dancing of floats or scantily dressed men dancing around poles, or dykes on bikes rolling down the road when they hear “pride” or “Pride Parade”. Those images can be very accurate for many pride parades, and I personally don’t think there is anything wrong with any of them…..but to me “pride” is much more significant than “just” these images.

I also believe many, especially in the heterosexual world, wonder why we need pride anything. I mean, some very nice friends of mine post quotes to say things like “why can’t we just have human pride and hang out and get along?” Some even say, “why aren’t there straight pride months or events?” Both are great questions. Look, I don’t have all the answers, but as a lesbian I can share my perspective and heart if you care to continue reading.

First, it’s important to note that June was selected for LGBT Pride month to commemorate the Stonewall Riots that occurred in 1969. And, incidentally, not all Gay Pride parades or events happen in June, but I digress. LGBT didn’t always feel as open or safe as many do today, and in fact many were persecuted and violently discriminated against in years past. Many, especially in the “T” world (transgender), are still in a very insecure and dangerous space in our society today. So, it’s important to note that Pride is an attempt to shine the light of said discrimination and tries to turn the views towards LGBT toward positivity, aiming for reduction of violence against LGBT, creates a call for dignity, equality, and attempts to celebrate their existence instead of hiding in shame. I don’t expect many who are not LGBT to understand this, so I will try to explain.

Many of you may remember when you hit puberty and the awkwardness of the hormones taking over your body, which was changing in ways you’d never experienced before. Consider also realizing for the first time you were very different from the other kids of your gender and that only made you feel more confused. You probably didn’t freak out and think you were broken. I did.

Many of you probably didn’t look at someone of your own gender and feel your heart skip a beat and then become horrified that someone noticed, and then immediately inwardly berated yourself for being this ugly, sinful thing. I did.

Many of you probably didn’t spend almost every night crying out to God from the age of 13 to 35, begging to be fixed. Because I didn’t “choose this lifestyle”, and in fact invested everything I had in me to change what I am. Everything. And I lived in self-hatred and fear that someday, someone would see the lie I lived as I acted like a heterosexual.

Many of you probably didn’t work with your whole heart to love a person society said you should, while hating yourself for being a fake and a phony. You probably did not feel the added guilt of receiving the love from that person who was an innocent in all of this. I did.

Many of you didn’t have to decide what “sin” to live – being honest about your sexuality or continuing to lie to everyone in your life. I did.

Many of you, when you finally stopped running from the truth and met the love of your life, didn’t need to hide it for five years because you’d lose your job, lose many of your friends, lose some of your family, lose your church. I did.

Many of you haven’t lost a job due to the person you love. LOVE. I did.

Many of you who wanted nothing more to be monogamous, committed, and live forever with the love of you life in a legal relationship recognized by your country…..but were instead told you were an abomination and that it was against the law. I was.

Many of you who have tried to get a driver’s license with your legally married name and were told you could not because your marriage license was not accepted in that state. I was.

Most of you will not wake up each day and wonder if someone will get in your face – or even attack you – for loving someone. LOVING SOMEONE. I do.

Most of you will not be called names or be accused of pedophilia just for holding your spouse’s hand. I have been.

Many of you do not have to demand basic human rights such as the right to work, the right to see your loved one in the hospital, or the right to have your spouse on your insurance. I have had to.

Most of you don’t have to be told it’s okay to love your spouse, or that it’s okay to worship in church, or that it’s okay to have kids and raise them in love. I have.

Most of you don’t have to be assured that no one in this country will speak of death camps, or arrest, or insist violent groups will not be able to attack you for just walking down the street. At times, I am assured of those things.

Most of you won’t be accused of having an agenda by just being open about LOVE. I am.

So Pride, to me, is wanting to say “yes, I am a lesbian” today in the hopes that someday the topic won’t even come up. I do not say it to shove it in your face, to recruit you, to gain special rights, to reject religion, to break the law, to promote sin, to insist you live like me, or anything else. I celebrate pride to say, I am here, and I am just another human (yes, even an American) who just wants to live. To marry my wife. To call my Dad on Father’s Day. To have friends over for dinner. To get a flat tire and call AAA. To go to work and wish I won the lottery instead. To get the flu and act like a baby. And in it all, I don’t want to be “Gina the Lesbian”, but just “Gina”. And until that day arrives, I will gather and say “being Gina is not an abomination. No. I am me. You are you. And we are all better than this.”

This is my Pride. This is my life. Peace.

Firsts

January 7, 2017June 7, 2019 / Gina Marie / 1 Comment

Life is filled with “firsts”. First laughs, first steps, first time driving, first kisses. So many momentous occasions that we often look back on with smiles and warm feelings. I remember clearly the day Kirstie was born 26 years ago – my first day as a mom – as the feelings were so fantastic and amazing. I am sure you have a list of “firsts” as well and understand what I am describing.

But there are other kinds of firsts, too. Your first speeding ticket. Your first broken bone. The first death in the family. Your first heartbreak. These events aren’t as sought after and do not bring the cozy feelings we often like to sit through as if a great movie has shown up on the TV. No, these sort of memories are the ones that definitely impact our lives, but we don’t embrace them when they come to mind.

2016 presented itself with a few firsts I’d rather have avoided – I was attacked for being gay for the first time this year. That truly sucked and changed a lot about me, though I am working through that. What really hit me harder than I expected, though, was going through my birthday, Christmas, and the New Year for the first time with my mom not being on this earth. I have not lived in the same state as my mom since December 2009, so it’s not like I had recently SPENT those events with her. Even so, not being able to call her or hear her voice……to hear her say, “when am I going to see you again?” (as she always asked that), and to tell her I love her hit me pretty hard. And, for some reason the pain and the loss I felt surprised me. And that was a first of sorts as well. Perhaps it was exacerbated by the fact my older kids were not with me for Christmas this year for the first time as well, which magnified my sense of loss. But it was hard, across the board.

I am not sharing this to complain or fish for “poor Gina” comments. I guess I wanted to share that sometimes life is hard……even when we think we have things under control. And, well, it’s okay that it gets hard. It’s okay that we sometimes feel punched in the gut and we had no idea to even prepare for it, and it is no measurement of our strength (or lack thereof) when this happens. There is no deficiency in our faith or belief in heaven when we miss those that are no longer near us. And finally, that sense of loss and pain is not permanent, even in the case of my mom. I was able to see my older kids the week after Christmas, and I am surrounded by my mom’s paintings and tons of memories. I was also in California recently and spent some time with my brother David, and he gave me one of my mom’s favorite rings that he found as well as the Bible that Edgar and I had given her on her 52nd birthday. THAT surprised me, given that I am almost that age myself! Ha. So, really, this post is to acknowledge that we have highs and lows…….to acknowledge and feel both…….but to step up and move to the next segment. I didn’t say that well, but hope you get the drift.

Happy New Year, and may 2017 be filled with more highs than lows, but know you are loved through them all!

A Voice

December 3, 2016June 7, 2019 / Gina Marie / 3 Comments

Differences exist, everywhere. I personally have this weird aversion to tomatoes; it’s not that I dislike them, it’s more that I don’t like them mixed with certain things…..and those things are usually where tomatoes are usually found. Burgers, salads, sandwiches. So, I will often say “no tomatoes”, though many in my family and throughout the world may look at me and think, “Gina, you’re crazy.” Conversely, I LOVE garlic. I could add garlic to almost anything; eggs, meat, pasta, burgers……literally, almost everything. So many would prefer that I not eat it, and even if they like garlic, would not use it as often as I would like to do.

Who is right?

And that’s the thing……differences have existed since the dawn of mankind. They manifest themselves in so many ways; preferences, religion, clothing, politics, entertainment, sexual attractions (and no, I am not just referring to homo or heterosexual realms – but to what we are attracted to). Some like to live in busy, loud cities where “the action is”, while others would instead find joy in the quiet and slower paced “country”. Some would rather spend their money helping others while others would invest in corporations that are developing new technologies. Some listen to gangster rap and enjoy it while others think real music is found in the nuances of classical music.

Who is right?

You may be thinking at this very moment, “why does someone need to be right? That’s just silly!” And that’s my initial point – we too often work from a place of correctness. We seem to, more often than usual nowadays, want to or feel like OUR way is the “right” way. Oh, that’s not new – especially in the realm of religion and politics – by any means. But it sure seems like social media or rhetoric or just our very hearts have taken this phenomenon and made it SO……MUCH……BIGGER!

So, having said that, now my voice comes in. In my estimation, beliefs and preferences and backgrounds don’t define our value or establish “what is right”. Voting for Hillary or Trump doesn’t make someone right or wrong. Being a Christian or a Muslim doesn’t make someone right or wrong. Burning a flag, not burning a flag, peacefully protesting on the streets or kneeling during the National Anthem doesn’t make someone right just as always standing and never protesting doesn’t. Owning a gun legally or despising firearms doesn’t make someone right or wrong. Only marrying someone in your religion/race or marrying outside of them does not make someone right or wrong. All of these make us HUMANS with our morals and backgrounds and world views and preferences, and none of them break any laws. Yet, especially today, it seems many of the loudest voices use these areas as the foundation for their measurement of “being right”, and all I see coming out of that is division, animosity, and arguments. All when “right” remains nebulous at best.

I could elaborate on recent personal situations in my life where family, friends, and coworkers, in any of the above topics, have used their voice to imply my position or views were wrong. I could even elaborate where I took the stance that my view was actually right, exposing THEIR error. And there have been several instances where I chose not to react at all and let the interactions wash past me, only to realize that the resentment and hurt has stayed behind and festered deep within me. Some of these exchanges were very deliberate – kind of “in your face”, as it were – and some started from a place of innocence that I truly believe were not meant to be offensive or abrasive. In every case, it was clear that it was “me against them” or the focus was exclusively on establishing who was right. Too often the root or measuring point was on the “winner”, and too often the interchanges left no room for listening, empathy, finding a shared middle ground – but instead worked towards finding the next zinger that incapacitated the other with their next arguments.

So, who really wins?

I assert, no one. I am NOT talking about standing up for someone being harassed or attacked. I am NOT talking about voicing concerns for injustices. I am NOT talking about standing up for human or constitutional rights that may be in danger. I am referring to interactions surrounding views/beliefs/”what is right”.

So, with that I challenge my 2.78 readers to step back and consider – what do you hope to accomplish in this realm? Will your actions build relations? Have you listened more than you have spoken? Have you looked at the person you’re interacting with and seen their humanity more than your perceived opinion of them based on their views? Perhaps we all could try more in this area…….

Further, I admit my background is Christian. And due to that, I am reminded what Christ taught as recorded in the Bible. It is not to win by any means. It is not to annihilate my opponent and then scream out in victory afterward, “we tore that/them down!”. No, instead He and His Apostles taught these concepts in the Bible:

To love our enemies and not feel justified to annihilate ANYONE based on their stances. ENEMIES. Matt 5:44-48

That perceptions or opinions, especially in the realm of social areas or in religious context and beliefs, are wrong to use to define who or how we interact with others. Matt 9:9-13, Luke 15:1-7, 1 For 9:19-23

No race or religion has more worth or rights than others, but should receive the best from each of us as Christ gave His best. John 4:5-54

And with that, I will say Au Revoir. Peace.

It’s All in the Name

November 26, 2016June 7, 2019 / Gina Marie / Leave a comment

I am excited to announce that my blog, which I’ve been rambling in since 2005, has a new URL! I feel like this little blog has finally grown up! JustRambling.blog is the official link and that got me to thinking…….how important is a URL or even a name?

I go by many names, actually. Gina is one of them, of course. G, Sis, Mom, Maddy, Babe…..Spouse, Wife, Daughter, American, and a few more. My mom used to call me Sam when I was little. All of these evoke positive feelings and memories for me, and reinforce my position on this earth and my right to fill this space. They affirm my existence and make me want to walk in the strength of who I am and to encourage those around me as I do so.

I’ve been called a few colorful names in my lifetime as well. Jerk, Homo, Libtard, Abomination, Satan, Idiot, and others I won’t post here as I am trying to keep it PG-13 rated. These names are not as fun, and usually don’t give me warm and fuzzy feelings as I recall the people or circumstances that voiced them. These names make me sad, or mad, or ashamed. I wonder sometimes if I focus on these names more deeply and more often than the positive ones, which makes me feel pretty gross.

Then, I think about the “Gina” I presented for so many years, the woman I thought my family, my church, and society wanted me to be. That was a hard gig and, while I suppose many people were “happy”, I was lying to everyone including myself and carrying the burden of my lie and my very life like an anvil around my neck.

I am writing on the fly and just asked myself – so where are you going with this Gina? This is getting pretty depressing. Then I replied to myself, “this blog is called Just Rambling – go with it!”. Which really is a strong indication that the 18 hours of PMP studying I’ve done today has taken its toll on my brain…….but I digress.

My point is this – we name ourselves or others name us things that can be positive or negative, but it doesn’t necessarily define us. For example, my acknowledgement to myself and my family that I am a homosexual was a hugely honest and freeing moment for me (aka a positive), while someone screaming it at me as a slur is definitely a negative. But the negative SITUATION doesn’t define me or turn the freeing truth into something bad. And further, PERCEPTION of something doesn’t define our worth or call to fulfilling something bigger than ourselves. We, as humans, seem to put a lot of stock in our names; we look for Job Titles and often think that gives us power, or add letters after our names to indicate our worth (like I will hopefully be adding “PMP” to my email signature soon!), or we lash out at our perceived enemies by calling them names to bring them down a notch or two. And that’s just silly.

I believe God, for those who put faith in Him, knows our fixation on names and directs us differently. While the names He is called in itself is lengthy and still does not quite capture His omnipotence and power, today I want to direct it to others in the Bible.

Abram, who was old and childless (a huge issue in his society), was renamed Abraham – “father of multitudes” – and the Bible says his line are as vast as the sand on the beach. Sarai was also renamed Sarah – “mother of many nations”. God saw and knew this even as Abram and Sarai decried their lack of children.

Jacob was renamed Israel – you know, the name that is now a country and home physically and spiritually for the Chosen People – and God proclaimed that he wrestled with God and men and prevailed. How can you be overwhelmed with shame and lack of worth when you think about that?

No matter what anyone calls me, the truth is I am the King’s Kid. Nothing can separate me from His love. And that, my friends, is really all that matters.

Humanness…..and Judgment

July 22, 2016June 7, 2019 / Gina Marie / Leave a comment

Life is……complicated. Too often I (and perhaps we) are very quick to decide how things are based on limited knowledge or even limited scenarios. Sometimes scenarios help us to avoid things in the future, but sometimes they could create prejudices or even judgments in our hearts.

Let me give you some examples of what I am talking about.

I was raised to trust authority, to believe they may not always be right, but more often than not, those in authority knew the best and wanted to do the best for me. About 15 years ago, I was driving in my super sexy Dodge Grand Caravan with my then husband and Kenny, who was about 6 years old. We were driving through an intersection, had the green light, when suddenly a truck that had a red light to our right entered the intersection to turn right and ultimately t-boned us. Thankfully, no one was injured by the damage to my sexy mini-van was bad. We pulled over, I called the police, while the older couple in the truck remained in their vehicles. They did not ask if we were alright, the woman/passenger in fact continued to read her newspaper as if nothing had happened. As our son was on the side that was hit, his father became very upset at the lack of concern on their part, though I encouraged him to wait for the police and see what happens.

The police came, took our story, and then spoke to the male driver of the truck. We still had not interacted with the other driver. The policeman came back to me (I was the driver) and told me the other driver was a retired police officer, his account matched mine, and therefore recommended no police report be filed as “then the other driver would not have to be fined”. I trusted the police officer, and despite the lack of concern shown by the other driver, trusted his account and word due to the fact he was also a police officer albeit retired.

Big mistake. When all was said and done, the other drive told his insurance I ran the red light and it was 100% my fault. I, of course, told my insurance what really happened. Since we had no witnesses and no police report, we were each charged as 50% responsible. The truth, however, was that he was 100% responsible. He lied to his insurance, he lied to the police officer implying he would not dispute what happened (though he DID tell the truth to him about the events), and he changed my view of SOME police officers – more on that later.

Flash forward to last year; Deana was driving to work in downtown Atlanta and an off duty police officer driving to work decided, in his personal car, that he needed two lanes to turn into his work’s parking lot. From the left lane, with no signal, he turned right and didn’t bother to look to see if he was clear to do so. He wasn’t – Deana was driving to the right and just behind him and he ended up turning into her left door just inches from where she sat. This happened right in front of the police station, so when she called someone walked out almost immediately. Very quickly in, both the off duty officer and the officer taking the report tried to convince Deana that no police report was necessary – “I agree with what happened, it was totally my fault.” Off Duty told Deana. “I have already called my insurance company and they will take care of this.” His co-worker backed him up, stating he would get a ticket or points on his record if a report was filed and that there really was no need for a report. Knowing my history, Deana called me to get my opinion, and I told her to absolutely get a report because “you never know who you’re dealing with. Just because the guy is a police officer doesn’t mean he’s trustworthy. Humans are humans and some humans are not honest.” So, she insisted on a report and one was filed.

It was GOOD that the report was filed, because Off Duty never called his insurance. Our insurance, since it was not Deana’s fault, didn’t really get involved and just said “contact the driver’s insurance.” That insurance company didn’t dispute Deana’s claims per se, but they refused to proceed without speaking to their client. They left him over 10 messages, but he never returned their calls. Finally, after about a month of this, we tried to call the department he said he worked for in the police unit. That too was a lie. I finally got hold of someone who was kind enough in the police department who looked up where Off Duty worked and sent me to his supervisor; I left a message there and explained how this employee of the City of Atlanta was not being honorable. In the mean time, Deana had to pay for a copy of the police report, send it to his insurance, and pretty much brow beat them to fix our car. I am not sure which path was the fix – his boss or Deana’s Latina attitude – but we finally got the car fixed and they accepted it was 100% his fault. But bottom line, if we had “just trusted his word” we probably would have been screwed.

So, first of all, some police officers are dishonest. They are human and bring forward weakness and selfishness and bad decisions and perhaps even lack honor. We ALL have those attributes at times, so I have realized just because they have a badge and gun does not mean they’re above board across the board. Fortunately for me, these two situations did not involve guns or violence.

But……..

Just like with everything else in life, these two police officers do not represent all officers. And even though many of us SAY things like that, there is this reality that we are impacted by negative experiences more so than positive ones. At least, that’s what I seem to see in our society. So, when so many police shootings against blacks or aggressiveness or whatever else, my first reaction in my heart was “there is another bad cop…..so many lack honor”. And when I put that through MY experience filter, it makes sense. I mean, TWO TIMES I dealt with dishonorable men and that made me feel that there might be more in the force than I realized. Pretty soon, without me realizing it, my heart was really processing it like this: “All cops are dishonorable, and only a few truly can be trusted.”……even though I said and I thought I believed “most police are honorable”.

The increase of fear and division and violence and rhetoric in our daily lives the past year has made me so………I lack the word. It is like I wanted to sit in a small room like a bunker and wait it out with no windows for a decade and see what might be left. Then the shootings on police started and I was sickened. I was in shock and cried out to God, asking why violence was so prevalent in this world – why we thought murder would make things better. I considered some comments a friend of mine made – an officer and an honorable one – and I had no place to go but prayer. I wanted to run, but instead the very filter I didn’t know existed was exposed. I was ALSO a human, and I was judging.

All to say, there’s nothing wrong for “being smart”. If you are in an accident, get a police report. Always. People are people. If you have been abused, avoid the situation in the future if possible. If you are a majority, be a force for the minority. If you’re white in a community that has institutional racism – by citizens or officers, be vocal. If you are straight and you witness someone in the LGBTQ community being harassed, be vocal. If individual officers violate the law, hold them accountable. If citizens in the community violate the law, hold them accountable. If you are oppressed and treated differently, don’t give up, stay vocal, but avoid allowing your anger to become violent (and hear me, the shooters of police are NOT associated with Black Lives Matter just as the bad cops don’t represent the rest). But let’s ALL take stock of our filters – let’s admit we probably all have them and possibly don’t even realize they exist, and determine to try not to apply them broadly. Let each individual be measured on their own actions and not the actions of a few (or their skin color…..or their religion…….). Let’s not lump all – black, white, or purple – into behaviors that are not fair. And, if someone does that to you or you realize you have a filter that has been doing that……don’t become violent. Don’t let hatred dwell in your heart. Acknowledge it, change it, and move on.

Peace and thanks for reading.

Happy Birthday, Mom

June 17, 2016June 15, 2019 / Gina Marie / Leave a comment

June 17, 2016 would have been my mom’s 81st birthday – 1 month and 1 day after she flew to heaven. I miss her, but I am so glad my memories are with me and I carry her in my heart. I DO hear her voice sometimes say to me “I still think you’re the best” when I mess up or whatever. I also know she definitely loved me even when I hid the “true Gina” so many years ago, and continued to love me when I began my journey of authenticity. I love you Mom, and I know someday I will see you again! Thanks for loving ME, all of me. Enjoy your day celebrating in Paradise.

Loyalty

June 11, 2016 / Gina Marie / Leave a comment

I have been in my “reconstruction” place as I navigate so many emotions and changes and memories, and what nots. As I’ve slowly come back to “the swing of things”, I have noticed that life and struggles and emotions of others have continued without me. I don’t mean that in “they went on without me”, I mean it in the sense of “wow, some hard stuff has been going on with people I love.” So today, I’d like to ruminate on one of those issues.

Everyone wants and perhaps even expects loyalty from those who are in their lives. Family, friends, even co-workers; the expectation is that they will have your back. I know in my own walk I try to be loyal, but I am sure there are times when my definition of loyalty has not aligned with the definition of someone else. But, I think we can all agree that there is a tacit understanding that you should be able to trust, at a certain level, people that exist in your daily life. That expectation is much bigger for those closest to us, especially the one we love and plan to spend the rest of our life with. And, I guess that is the basis of this post.

Being LGBT, Deana and I often deal with people who do not accept our relationship – I’ve written about this topic a few times on this blog. There are several classes of people in this area; those that support us to our faces, but cannot be “out” to allow others to see their support, those who are very direct with their opinions but still hang with us in group settings, those who were direct with their opinions and have chosen to not be our friends, and those who are direct with their opinions and refuse to accept or allow themselves to be around the one we love. It is the last group I will address today – this group is especially tricky when it involves family.

I have a small but powerful number of older people in my family who do not accept my marriage to Deana. To cut to the chase, they love me and have sort of accepted the fact I am a lesbian, but they refuse to accept Deana and in fact will not accept her in their homes. If there is a family gathering and they can control the guest list, she would not be invited. If there is a family gathering and they cannot control the guest list, they will either not attend if Deana is there or avoid her like the plague. For my part, this is a tough situation, because I LOVE these family members and I want to be able to fellowship with them, I want to interact with them, and I want to be loved by them. AND I want them to love Deana. It is TOUGH and anyone in this sort of situation I have huge sympathy for because it isn’t pleasant.

But here is the deal – I have chosen Deana. I love her with all my heart. I have pledged my life to her, in sickness and in health, and we have married each other (aka “become one”). She is so important to me, I have been legally and spiritually linked to her. I esteem her so much that I live with her, I dream with her, I plan with her, and I will grow old with her. She is my WIFE. The Bible says that we leave our parents and cleave to the one we marry. And I will add, whether or not you agree with same-sex marriage or accept the spiritual or even the legal link involved, I have raised Deana to a level that in all acceptable circles (especially if this was a heterosexual relationship), she is the #1 person in my life. NUMBER ONE!

So, if I am in a situation where I am invited to a family gathering and Deana is not invited, that is an affront not only to Deana, but to ME! We have become ONE, and yet a piece of me has been relegated to not even be esteemed enough to be invited, no matter what pretense is offered as a reason for the exclusion. Because of that, I do not entertain the idea of going without her, because doing so adds credence to the fact that our relationship is somehow shameful. That are relationship is deficient. That our relationship is inferior. And that is not fair. Further, I love Deana so much that I would NEVER, EVER choose ANYONE over Deana, because my loyalty is to her first. I have been invited to Christmas gatherings that I have not attended because Deana was not invited. And believe me, that was hard, it was painful, but it was right. Because, Deana is my family, and to leave her behind would be leaving a piece of me behind and it would be a dagger to her heart. I would be just as guilty as my family that have overtly rejected her if I went along and played in that game. I would reject her as well by going.

That’s not to say that visiting said family is wrong. I love my family and I also respect their choices. Deana understands that too and gives me room to have them in my life, and understands the importance of their place in my life and the need to interact with them. I absolutely enjoy spending time with them, loving on them, and being with them. But, unfortunately, there is a true line that has been drawn that I will not cross, and clearly articulated to my family members that if they do not include my wife (a piece of me) to family gatherings, I will not attend. I absolutely respect their stance, but there is cost to them if they keep it. Because, as much as I want to be loyal to my family, being loyal to my wife trumps that. And I believe it should be that way.

There is a piece of me that resents this is even an issue, because 100% of the exclusion stances are related to our sexuality. I resent that other people can be jerks and treat said family horribly, but they are welcome because they are straight. But even in admitting that, I will always stick to being loyal to my wife first. I pray for others who find themselves in this situation, and I truly pray that they make the right decision when dealing with it. I have seen too many relationships torn apart because loyalty gets sideways. And I understand the pain and struggle when you’re caught in the middle. But try to remember, LOVE should not make you choose. But if you have to choose, choose the one you will grow old with. At least, that’s the way I have chosen to lead my life. And know this, I also believe that SOMEDAY, through the Grace of God, there will be restoration to this situation. Maybe I will write more on that later! 🙂

Jan

May 17, 2016 / Gina Marie / 4 Comments

My mom. She was many things. She hated the name “Janice”. She loved her kids and grandkids so much – we are her legacy. She was an artist, and now I appreciate her paintings more than I can explain. She used to blot her lipstick on envelopes, pieces of paper, junk mail……her lip imprints could be found anywhere. She used to drive like Mario Andretti, though I was never scared. She was an amazing dancer back in the day. Some songs would make her cry even if she wasn’t sad. She always had long fingernails, and they were super strong. My Dad never called her by her name, at least where I could hear, but instead called her “babe”, “honey”, etc. She had friends from all walks of life, from tons of different races, and made equality a way of life not a byword. Okay, so she met my Dad in a bar when he was in the Navy, and may have been nine years older than he was, but hey she was smoking hot and had pull. She was a real estate agent for over 20 years and her clients became family; most were repeat customers multiple times. She was not afraid to stand up to anyone, especially when someone was being a bully to someone weaker/smaller.

She had an amazing laugh. One look would shut up 100% of her kids – no yelling needed. She loved to play the slots in Las Vegas or Laughlin. She was an amazing cook, and as an Italian always made way too much food. She was generous to a fault. She was 5′ 3 1/2″ most of her life – and yes she always said the “and a half” part. She was pretty witty for most of her life. She could be awfully scary too (remember, she was Italian)! She was an imperfect soul that I loved immensly.

Janice “Jan” Lorraine Gates Fakelmann Minard. You will be missed and will remain forever in our hearts.

Reflection of Life

May 11, 2016 / Gina Marie / 1 Comment

Those who have known me for a while know I had some rough times relating to my mom over the course of my youth. Her being bipolar has had a lot to do with that, and reality is – we all have some form of dysfunction in our lives. None of us are perfect. Yet, if you’ve known me more than a week, you also know I often tell people I’ve had a pretty amazing life, my childhood was pretty legit, and I am pretty proud of the person I have grown up to be. (Okay, so I am still pretty immature, but that’s besides the point.)

I am currently in the ICU ward of a Southern California hospital, my mother having been moved back here a few hours ago. Right now she’s resting well, is under wonderful care, though due to that care it is difficult for her to communicate with us. She has a face mask on and it’s pretty much impossible to hear anything she has to say. Add that her voice is still recovering from the breathing tube that was only removed a few days ago, and well……the only real thing we can understand is her nodding yes or no. Yet her eyes are so expressive, I could sit hours just gazing into them, reassuring her of my love, that she’s been a wonderful mother, that she’s doing a great job, and the like. But, as she rests I thought I’d write some thoughts, as that is my therapy as I fight to stay strong but would rather fall in a messy heap and sob my heart out.

So, whether or not I struggled with my mom, no matter if there were times when I was not sure I could deal with her…….every negative thing I might have easily conjured up in the past lays silent as my mind and heart are overwhelmed with love and appreciation for her.

When I was about 6, my mom and I went grocery shopping. I am not sure but I think we had guests; maybe my Grandma Minard was visiting or maybe it was someone else. But we were there and we were buying items. At the checkout I asked for a candy bar, which I usually didn’t do and by the way…..we hardly EVER had candy on the regular. That was for special occasions. Anyway, my mom said yes and I was shocked, EXCITED even! But then I remember her getting really upset (not at me) and things being moved around and my mom acting weird. But I didn’t understand it at all though I sure did enjoy that Snickers! Come to find out later, as my Dad pulled me aside, and asked me to not ask for candy again. He explained that my mom didn’t have enough cash for all the things we had to buy and that it was hard when she had to put things back. I didn’t appreciate that as much when I was six, but as an adult who once upon a time had similar situations occur, I have to give my mom props for saying YES to the candy, and then letting me keep it even though she had to put back groceries. I am sure the candy bar was not the tipping point, but you get what I am saying.

I was in a musical in kindergarten – I played the triangle BOOM – and my mother told me she would not be able to attend. I was sad, because even back then I was extroverted and wanted nothing more than for my mom to see me rock the triangle. I will always, ALWAYS remember the moment I hit the side of the instrument, looked up, and there was my mom standing in the back row!!!!!! That filled my heart with happiness..

I have more to share, and I expect to do so in the coming days, but the truth of the matter is this – my mom did the very best she could. While she may have made mistakes or regretting doing (or not doing) some things, that doesn’t matter. And when I sat with her yesterday, all she could do was struggle to get the words formed in her mind and tell me what was heavy on her heart. She didn’t let her confusion or her recovering vocal cords or her health get in her way.

Mom: you are well liked

Gina: thanks mom

Mom: no, no (pause as she thought of the words) you are well loved

Gina: awwww mom, thank you I love you too

Mom: that’s it. I love you. I love you. I love you.

And that, my friends, is all that really matters. Love, and knowing when to share it. And really, it should be shared always.