Sometimes in life, my brain ponders a topic and ultimately it ends up here. Admittedly, it’s been a while since this has occurred! So let’s say adios to 2023 with this post! Here we go.
Parent 1 – A Faith Crisis
Once upon a time, there was a middle class mother who was a hard worker, very family oriented, devoutly religious. Her first son died shortly after being born and was followed by the birth of two daughters and a son. They were raised in the Midwest, followed their mother’s religion, and grew up in what many would call an American dream. When her son graduated college, he joined the Navy and was based in Southern California, where he would meet his future wife. This situation was very distressing for his mother, as the woman was divorced, already had 4 children, was nearly 10 years older than her son, and did not follow the faith that the mother so loved. This did not concern her son, who had long stopped following the basic tenets of his mother’s faith despite being so entrenched in it throughout his life.
The mother was at a crossroads – so much of what she held very close to her heart, her very worldview and understanding of eternity, was being broken by her son. The fact that he no longer participated in the steps of their faith meant that his soul was in peril. The woman he had fallen in love with would lead to a marriage outside of their faith, and eventually their children that were also outside of the mother’s faith, which made his life beyond this world potentially even bleaker. Should she remind him of these facts and double down on her religious beliefs, drawing a line in the sand until her son sees the errors of his ways and gets right with God? Should she remind him in every interaction that she fears he will be closed out of heaven (aka, go to hell) and now she has the added burden of the same fate for his offspring? Should she refuse to meet his wife and their future children because of what she views as his poor decisions?
Ultimately, this mother chose love. While it is uncertain if she every became close with her daughter in law, she never held back her love for her son, reminded him of the religion of his youth, nor did she ever make her grandchildren feel less than. In fact, she welcomed her daughter in law’s four children into her heart and referred to them as her grandchildren. She was extremely close to her granddaughter, who would attend church with her but never became a member of the religion the mother loved so much. She never hinted to her son or grandchildren that they were going to hell, that she was disappointed in them, or otherwise limited their relationship around any of this. In fact, her granddaughter would often feel that her grandmother held her in the highest esteem on the earth. To this day, over 20 years after the mother’s/grandmother’s death, her granddaughter is impacted by the love and relationship that existed.
Parent 2 – A Faith Crisis
Once upon a time, there was a middle class father who was a hard worker, very family oriented, who became devoutly religious in his golden years after having spent most of his adult life not attending any sort of church services. He married young, had four step children, and was blessed to add two bio children; a daughter and a son. He had been raised in a devout household with loving parents, but forged his own life after leaving home at 18. He was a loving father, made time to bond with and lead his children, showed compassion for people such as homeless veterans, and was very generous with his love.
Many years down the road, the father was at a crossroads – he had since divorced and remarried and had became very involved in a different religion than what he was raised in. His adult daughter had divorced her husband, had married a woman, had adopted children……so much of what he now held very close to his heart, his very worldview and understanding of eternity, was being broken by her daughter. The fact that she was in this same-sex relationship meant that her soul was in peril based on his faith. Should he remind her of these facts and double down on his religious beliefs, drawing a line in the sand until his daughter sees the errors of her ways and gets right with God? Should he remind her in every interaction that he fears she will be closed out of heaven (aka, go to hell)? Should he refuse to meet her wife and their adopted children because of what he views as her poor decisions?
Ultimately, this father chose religion. For 17 years he refused to meet the children that his daughter adopted when they were 5 and 3. For 17 years he refused to interact with her wife, despite having no problem with her before he confirmed their true relationship. For years when they’d interact on the phone or in person, he would point out that he was praying for his daughter or share that he was worried about her soul. Ultimately, he accused his daughter of being indoctrinated because she claimed to be a member of his religion, which he felt was impossible due to her sexuality and insisted she was wrong. When his daughter’s adult children defended her via text, he accused his daughter of sending them under her children’s names. When his daughter begged him to just be her dad, to just let her be his daughter, and not discuss this topic with her, he refused. And now because his daughter could no longer emotionally or spiritually handle this, they no longer interact. Nor does he have a relationship with any of his grandchildren. And, ironically, he doesn’t have any sort of relationship with his son, either – who is heterosexual and adheres to the same faith as the father.
Just Rambling 