Author: Gina Marie

Bible Study: Knowing Vs. Doing

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

As presented at Crossroads Community Church

You know, there’s a difference when you KNOW something and when you ACT ON something.  Some are basic truths, like I know for a fact that if I exercised more I would lose weight and would feel healthier overall.  However, I hardly ever exercise and have a great many justifications as to why.  More complex is that I can be given some pretty strongs facts that bungie jumping with a licensed firm is very safe, but you will NOT catch me jumping off ANYTHING with a rubber band tied to my ankles.  This is very similar to me spiritually, because we’ve talked before that as a believer, I am a Child of God.  However, I don’t often walk in that truth in my day-to-day life.  My salvation?  No worries.  Today’s problem?  Ah…….

Let me step back and share some background with you – and maybe you can relate to this.  A little over a year and a half ago Deana and I were in dire straits.  My job at the time was bouncing payroll checks, was being investigated for IRS fraud, Deana was unemployed, and we were living in Southern California.  Fear often gripped me, not knowing if we would get through the next two weeks if my check bounced, let alone deal with all the stress that was consuming our lives.   During this time I was slowing thawing to the idea of going back to “organized church”, the establishment that I had ran from since coming out and being viciously treated.  Our family slowly began attending Glory Tabernacle and, in the midst of what I felt was the darkest point in our lives since coming out, we began to stop focusing on the horrible situation we found ourselves in and started welcoming back the Lord into our lives.

Long story short, through what has to be nothing but a miracle, I received a job offer in Dallas.  It included perfect timing, the pay I requested, the type of job I wanted – you name it, I WAS AMAZED and rejoiced at what the Lord had done.  And He also brought Deana, me, and the kids to Crossroads Community Church, where we have found forever spiritual family members and have grown so much in the Lord!  It was wonderful!

So, this is where I tell you that I learned to not stress, to live in the fact that I am  King’s Kid, and trust in the Lord.  But I can’t…….

You see, the honeymoon period of my new job wore off within 6 months, and before I could say “can I have a raise”, I was writing my practice resignation letter – full of vinegar, I might add – and sending out resumes.  It’s not really important WHY I was feeling that way, more that how I reacted to my situation.  I asked for prayers, I prayed, and everyday the anger inside of me grew, the fear in me grew, the feeling of dissatisfaction almost consumed me at times.

Oh, my faith was strong at this point – I KNEW I could pray to God and He would help.  I mean, he helped me find THIS job in the prefect timing, right?  And the Bible assures me of this as well, too.

1 John 5:14-15 NIV

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.

So I would take this Truth – you all agree the Word is living and true, right? – and I prayed like this:

“Lord Jesus, I know You hear me!  If it is your will that I find a new job, then make it happen!”

And then the cycle would continue!  No new job, not even a NIBBLE on my resumes!  And the things that bothered me the most at work were growing – more people bothered me.  More issues that I felt were wrong appeared.  I would try harder to shine the light of Christ throughout my day, but inside bitterness was taking hold of me.

Now, I think it would have been good for me to remember at this point the following verse – turn to Proverbs 20:22 NIV

Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!”  Wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you.

Some days I was interested in deliverance, I wanted revenge.  I wanted to file claims against my firm, contact the media, you name it – I WAS JUSTIFIED!  And I don’t know about you, but I was not walking in the Truth that I was a Child of God.  I was letting my frustration, my anger, and my impatience rule me.  Further, I don’t think I was even thinking about MOVING in the truth that I could truly expect Jesus to ANSWER my prayers.

Let’s check out Romans 5:1-5 NIV

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

You see, I was out of whack.  I was not feeling the follow:

•    Peace
•    Faithful
•    Appreciation (or rejoicing)
•    Hope
•    I was NOT persevering
•    My character was NOT being improved!

Instead of was feeling:

•    Anger
•    Fear
•    Worry
•    Bitterness
•    Impatience
•    Apprehension
•    Vindication
•    The list goes on…..

I think you get the drift!

So let’s recap:

•    Gina and family in bad situation
•    God saves Gina and family miraculously
•    Gina and Family start walking in the Truth of who they are in Christ?  NO!
•    Gina and Family find themselves in the same mess, different city

While all this was going on, miracles were still happening in our lives by no power of our efforts;

•    Deana found an amazing job with the City of Dallas
•    We have learned to walk in faith in other areas of our lives, such as tithing
•    We built and moved into a brand new house, which is a story in itself!
•    We have watched our children grow in their own faith
•    I was continually receiving God’s favor at work, winning prizes, iPad, money, getting bigger and more important accounts…..

And yet this issue with my work remained for over a year!  I sincerely prayed, put my petitions in the prayer box, and TRIED with my own efforts to make this thing happen.  It now went like this:

“Lord, I know I have inherited everything you have as my own, I know I am your child with Your full authority on earth.  If your will says there is a new job for me out there, I believe it and received.  Please make it so.”

And then Pastor started a series and once again started proclaiming the truth as derived from 1 John Chapter 5 –

•    We KNOW we have salvation in Christ
•    We can trust Jesus to not fail us
•    We should be like Jesus and not worry about the details
•    If you have Jesus, you have HIS life and He will not flake on you!

And then Pastor challenged us –

•    BELIEVE IT
•    Live like it’s TRUE
•    Not as proof that we are Christians, but because it strengthens our relationship with Jesus.

Now, let me tell you, half of me is Type A – I like control.  Relying on Christ is not fleshly easy for me.  And I am not going to stand here and tell you I walked out of church and everything fell into place.  But I started “doing” what Pastor encouraged us with instead of just “ACCEPTING” or “KNOWING”.

•    I acknowledged that I still needed to learn something from the Lord – Hosea 4:6a – my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.
•    I knew I needed to rely on my faith in Christ.  Romans 10:17 – Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ.
•    I told myself, even when it was just words, that Jesus has got this

Jesus knew the desires of my heart, yet all along I never really believed that He would answer MY prayers.  Somehow, despite all that He had done for me and my family, I didn’t walk in the knowledge that He’d really provide me a new job.

Then, as I was preparing our home Bible Study, the following truths were revealed to us:

Romans 8:32 – He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

Hebrews 6:18 – God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged.

“Jesus has got this, and I can trust Him”  God cannot lie.  It’s not that He won’t lie – He is not able to lie.  If He could, He would lose His identity as The God of Truth.  SATAN is a liar!  He wants us to believe we are powerless.  In Christ, we have the keys to walk in victory.  God has given us power through His Son, and Jesus’ death and resurrection has already defeated Satan.  This truth means that God has removed every hindrance.

Colossians 2:15 – And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.

“Why was I focused on getting revenge, when it has already been dealt with?”

2 Peter 1:3 – His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

“There is nothing else I need to MOVE IN THE TRUTH that I will have that new job I wanted”

Hebrews 12:1 – Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

“It’s not too late for me to learn this lesson.”

I was determined that my attitude would change, but here’s another truth – often, the more you walk in the Truth, the more Satan stirs up trouble.  I left for Alice TX, a small town near Corpus Christie, for a client engagement that Monday.  While I was on site Tuesday and Wednesday, all of a sudden several co-workers became very belligerent with me, and in ways that had never happened before.  Some were outright lying, and others became so enraged that they were very hurtful.  I was out in the middle of nowhere, at first wondering what the heck was going on!

I ain’t gonna lie, there were moments when this was happening when I easily fell into my old habits, but the Holy Spirit in His loving-kindness reminded me to walk in His Glory, not the circumstances that surrounded me.  On Thursday, as things were building and it felt for the first time that my job might even be in jeopardy, I prayed then went to Monster.com because of my whole “you need to act in the truth” thing, which is a little different than “I’ll show you”.  I applied for the first two jobs in the list – one for an Accountant Position, the other a mix of accounting and software support similar to what I am doing now.  I could NOT tell you anything about either job as I just felt I needed to act and stop wallowing in my fear at that time.

So Thursday continued and Satan certainly was not letting up, but through the Power of Jesus I just kept saying to myself, “I will not be robbed of God’s Glory.  You have no power over me.”  And this is what happened next:

•    I got an email saying from a person named Melanie, “Gina, we received your resume and would really like to talk to you!”  I was at the client site, so couldn’t even check what job this was for, but still ……
•    I replied to the email and a 3pm phone interview was scheduled during my trip back to the airport.  At this time I found out it was the software position and I was able to research them a bit.  The call went VERY well, but was told the hiring manager would be going on vacation, so I might not hear more until after 8/8.
•    By the time my plane landed at 7pm that night, I had a new email saying the hiring manager wanted to talk to me the next day.  Now, Satan was in full force, because one of the owners of my current job had blown up right before my flight.  But as I replied to that email, I said “Jesus, you provided me a new job and I will NOT let Satan turn my face from you.  He can go to hell!”
•    The Friday call went VERY well and the hiring manager Johnny said he’d like to meet with me the day he returns from vacation on 8/8.  However, shortly afterward Melanie called and said the company didn’t want to wait that long, so one of the owners was flying out the following Wednesday to meet with me.  I was amazed!!!!!

Then low and behold, here come Shaw teaching on Sunday – last week –  and sharing her story about praying for her foot to be healed.  If you were here, I am sure you remember it.  But if you were NOT here, here is the gist of it:

•    At first she’d pray something like this: “Lord, if it’s in your will to heal my foot, I receive it” and then would later ask her foot, “How you feeling?”  Does that sound familiar?
•    But after realizing the TRUTH that we are ALREADY healed, she changed her stance to something more like this, “Jesus, I receive the healing you’ve already provided and thank you for healing my foot.”  Then, if her foot started giving her hints of trouble, she’d say “Foot, you need to align yourself with the Word!”  She went from a life-long foot problem to being HEALED.

So I began last week with a new attitude, and was often gently reminded by Deana, that I can and should LIVE IN the Truth and ACT ON the Truth of my position in Christ.  So I changed up my prayer:

“Lord, I no longer want to focus on my problems at work, but instead focus on You.  I will no longer fight my way through each day with myself and other people.  I will let You reign over every situation and not worry about getting revenge.  Most importantly, WHEN I receive the new job that you’ve already provided for me, I will share the miracle of who You are and all you’ve done.”

I walked into work Monday and, through the power of the Holy Spirit, there WAS a change!  Now, don’t forget the previous week had several issues that should have put me in a state of fear or at least encouraged me to come in fighting.  However, in areas where I disagreed with approaches or issue, I voiced my concern very diplomatically, but didn’t escalate to the previous arguments that were my norm.  This type of thing happened all day, to the point where several different co-workers asked me, “are you okay?”.  My reply was “Well, yes I am!”  And that reminded me of Pastor’s sermon last week from Mark where the people were afraid when the crazy person was no longer crazy.  ☺

Wednesday came and I met with Chuck, one of the owners, and I walked into that interview with several praying for me and with my cloak of the Truth surrounding me – THIS WAS A DIVINE APPOINTMENT AND JESUS HAS GOT THIS.  I was NOT nervous, I was NOT anxious.  Everything went well.  And, bottom line, I was offered the position the next morning at 8:05am – one week to the day I applied!

This job was 100% provided by my Lord, through no real effort on my part, and I truly believe all I really needed to do on my side is walk in the Truth of who I am in Christ.

I don’t know what you’re in the middle of, but I leave you these two verses:

Psalm 27:1 NIV

The LORD is my light and my salvation—
   whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
   of whom shall I be afraid?

Phil 3:12-16 (The Message)

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.

So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it.

New Addiction for my Free Time…..

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

….when I HAVE free time!  Still working, still traveling, but my new fun Mac apps help with the pain.  🙂

Check out this movie trailer I made:

And this trailer:

And finally, this one:

Let me know what you think.  Enjoy!

Secrets of a Business Traveler

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

Before I spent more than 50% of my work week traveling, I thought those that did lead a prestigious life. Airplanes, site seeing at different places, and being important enough for others to ask for you to travel to (or for) them.

I have flown seven times in the past 4 weeks – in fact, as I type this on my “travel friendly iPad”‘ I’m en route to San Francisco in prep for a client upgrade pilot. I share this because I can say without hesitation and with authority that I am a BUSINESS TRAVELER, and it often sucks.

At least for me, as an employee of my present firm, it’s expected that you either fly on weekends or “after hours” so that you “give the most to our clients”. That really means, in my estimation, that they’d rather pay me to be productive in the office than sitting in a plane. This translates to long days – for me, this day of travel will exceed 15 hours. “ah,” you say, “but you can rest on the plane!”. Perhaps. Except, in reality, there are many things that beg to argue with that perception:

1. Airplanes are freaking uncomfortable, unless you fly first class. And let’s just say, at my firm that’s not an option.

2. People are inconsiderate. Cool TV in the seat? Most people, at least the ones that sit behind me, push the hell out of the touch screen. Picture my head bobbing with each push…..

3. People are inconsiderate #2. Many people see no issue with grabbing the seat in front of them to assist with hauling their butts up, steading themselves with it as they adjust in prep to go to the toilet, even if it’s nearly 11pm and the occupant of said seat is sound asleep.

4. People are inconsiderate #3. Loud conversations at 11pm. Yeah, do you see a trend?

So, the plane is not that great for rest and relaxing – or for work really. But what about the cool hotels? I admit, some are pretty awesome. But even the best, when you’re without your family and working 12 plus hours each day, the only real benefit of the hotels I use are I CAN SLEEP!

Further, though I’ve been able to travel to some pretty amazing spots in the US, I have had NO TIME to see many of the sites I’ve been to! I land, walk through the airport, get a shuttle to the hotel, sleep, go to my client’s site, work, go out to eat for dinner, and go back to the hotel to work and then to sleep. The one exception to this is a trip I made to Oklahoma last year where Deana and the kids came along – we got to see some sites in the evening that were nice. But really, even if I DID have time to see the sites (though that is often not true) I really don’t enjoy it when I am by myself. I’d prefer sharing the experience with my family or friends. Of course, I have NOT been able to travel to So Cal for work, and that would be an ENTIRELY different situation – I would hit up my friends and family QUICK if I made it out there!

So the moral to this story is, before you decide that your friend (who is about to go on a business trip) is “living the life”, instead pray for them to get plenty of rest and return safely (and quickly) to their family!

God’s Favor

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I have heard and considered the whole “God’s Favor” flavor for years.  Truthfully, at first I considered this a smart marketing campaign of TV Evangelists to convince people to send money to God like a lottery in hopes of “hitting it big”.  And maybe that was true sometimes.  But, in all my candid writing, I will tell you I WAS NOT GOING TO PLAY THAT GAME!  I was not going to be pulled in by some snake oil pastor, who was going to try to turn my sacred relationship with Christ into some high yield investment plan.  Nor would I ignore scripture that showed riches were bad (the whole “eye of the needle” bit) and focus on my “other god” of money…….

And yet, in practice, MONEY was always my focus.  Either I spent too much (more than I had – thank you credit cards!), or I frantically and miserly saved every penny while ignoring the needs of others.  Looking back, the very thing I SAID I didn’t want to do, I was doing……and in a much harsher way than if I had given the money to ANYONE – even a snake oil pastor!

So my life consisted of working hard and long hours, swinging from spending way too much money or saving too much, and God sometimes was part of that.  Well, when it made me feel GOOD about giving, I did it anyway.  And, well, I have learned over the last few months that wasn’t very often, and especially not very substantial.  And yet, ironically, I was often behind the eight ball, always a day late and a dollar short.  And the cycle continued.

So, when my Pastor started preaching about God’s favor in relation to tithing, I easily reacted in my heart like a had all my life, “here we go again.”  And I ignored the words, felt self-righteous and all knowing internally, and went on my way.  I would hear others mention how there were tons of poor people in 3rd world countries…..were was God’s favor THERE and FOR THEM?  “God’s favor”, I heard them say, “is not about money and prosperity – that’s American’s bastardization of the Bible.”  And I’d internally nod and say, “Yes, God is not a stock broker”.  And I was comfortable with my lot in life and continued as I had for thousands of days.

But if you’ve read my blogs before, you know it didn’t stop there.  Because even though SO FAR I’ve talked about money (as, seriously, it has been the main focus of my life in many ways), God’s Favor is not JUST about money.

I mean, let’s review some basic principles:

  • We talk about the “Good News” all the time, but what does that MEAN????  Pastor has taught me for maybe the first time in my life that this means Jesus came to have a RELATIONSHIP with me!  Romans 8:33-39 says, “Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:“For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
  • The relationship Jesus wants is with EVERYONE!  So stop thinking He is sitting there waiting for you to screw up so he can beat you or expel you or he’s waiting for you to get that suit or to clean up your life…..Jesus wants YOU because he LOVES you!  Not your money, not your good actions (“good intentions?), or anything you probably have envisioned today.
  • Pastor made me realize that God’s Favor is not just about money.  It’s about PEACE.  Jesus has been called the Prince of Peace.  And that Prince was sent to earth to DIE for us so that we could have salvations and HIS PEACE.  And who would say, “Hey, I don’t want God’s Favor if it means His Peace in my life!”  Because, logically, do you really think Jesus would go through all He went through – even through a very painful and agonizing death – just so you could wallow in the same place you lived before you met Him?  Doesn’t make much sense, huh?  And, when my LOGIC started allowing those thoughts to bounce inside my thick skull, something miraculous began……Jesus’ Peace started sneaking into my life……
  • And it’s funny, for me when that Peace started manifesting itself in small ways for me, other things started showing up, too.  Like I don’t know – faith, love, acceptance, praise for my Lord, empathy for others…….the list goes on.
  • TO BE CONTINUED…….

When All Else Fails….

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

This has been a trend lately, but God has been teaching me something big recently.  I am thankful that He loves me SO MUCH that he has surrounded me with faithful and loving followers who teach His Word, love me, and help me to remove the boulders from my eyes and heart.

I have been a Christian for over 25 years, and I have matured in many ways.  Yet prayer has always been a “thing” for me.  What do I mean?  Well, first I have always had NO problem praying for others – I pray with a full heart and full knowledge that Jesus hears me and blesses the person I am praying for.  Yet, when it comes to praying for ME, it is more of an insurance policy I guess.   Or something to do “when all else fails”.  And I’ve come to realize that, when I WOULD pray for myself or my circumstances, I would not really believe that it “would stick” and that I still needed to fret about the issue, or try to fix the issue.  Or I would pray because, well that’s what Christians are supposed to do.  It’s our tradition.  I’m not proud about this, but it’s true.

Recently, my church installed a Prayer Box, a beautifully constructed and ornate container where all of our prayers can be placed.  We have little, anonymous sheets of paper to write our request on.  I thought it was a great thing to do for our congregation, although given my admissions above, I wasn’t sure it would impact me significantly.  And that’s when God took over (and, I have to admit, He has been working on my life in other areas that have been significant as well).

You see, as life would have it, there was a pretty darn significant problem Deana and I were facing.  One that followed me around, that caused me to lose sleep, that made me think I could not succeed.  It was like a black cloud that was always present, always threatening to pour out the most devastating strorm upon me and my family.  I had mentioned this issue to a few close friends at church, I had prayed to the Lord about it, and yet the cloud remained and the cycle continued without anything changing – including progress on the issue itself.

Then a week ago Sunday, my church held a special Bible Study on prayer and we were also called to write down our prayers.  As the congregation placed those prayers in the Prayer Box – myself included – the congregation came together and collectively prayed for those requests.  In my heart nothing changed – I went through the motions and even convinced myself for the thousandth time that “this time it (my actions and the subsequent outcome) was going to be different”.

And that’s the crux of this post…….something WAS different!  I didn’t notice it right away, but little things started throwing me off.   I got a sense of dropping soething at church, losing something of importance.  I would pat my pocket – nope, got my phone.  Did I leave the keys at church?  No, they’re in my purse.  This went on that day……little panic moments of  “oh my gosh, do I have this?” or “do I have that?”.  Hard to explain, but the rest of Sunday was like that.

I went on with my day and soon came down with the flu, which really knocked me out.  This would usually throw me in a horrible cycle, because I am a workaholic and missing work is stressful to me.  But I told work I needed to heal because a big project was beginning later in the week.  Deana looked at me like I was this crazy person that had had my body snatched by aliens.  I remember laying in bed thanking God for the peace that surrounded me, something that I truly loved but often I didn’t allow to envelope me as I filled the mote around me with stress and anguish.  I basked in that for two days, refusing to try to recover from the flu AND work and thanked God that I was not fired on the spot.  🙂

I know this doesn’t SOUND like a miracle, but it was…….

Anyway, that’s when the proverbial “dun dun dun” music jumps in.  I get a call from Deana and she says that “the issue” that had plagued us beyond measure and that could have had such devastating results on our life had been resolved…..and more perfectly than even I (the so-called perfectionist) could have orchestrated.  The words she spoke did not register at first……they were almost spoken in a different language as the facts sunk into my thick skull……..

And then it hit me, the thing that I “had lost” and was subconsciously looking for since having left church the Sunday before.  You see, during the prayer session at church, the request I had placed in the Prayer Box was that this issue would no longer rule my life and that it would be resolved.  Simple, clear, and at the time I wrote it, seemingly impossible.  So YES, Jesus answered that prayer PERFECTLY.  IT WAS RESOLVED!  But the BIGGER blessing for me is still like a resounding bell surrounding me…….

For, I can honestly say I didn’t worry about “the issue” after church, the next day……it had left me like a cell phone that had been left on a table in the rush to get to work.  It had left my heart and mind in such a way that I felt like a piece of me had been pulled out, but in such a way that I just couldn’t place my finger on it.  And the Peace that filled its place was so POWERFUL it was like a blanket on a freezing night or a seatbelt on a roller coaster.

My Lord loves me enough that He taught me that there is perfection in GIVING things to Him.  He taught me I can pray to him and not hold onto the thing(s).  He taught me He loves me enough that he REALLY DOES hear me, and I don’t have to act like He is one of my friends who have their own lives and concerns and worries, and He  REMEMBERS me.  Ah, this list goes on and on.

Am I “totally fixed” today?  I am not sure.  I fear that I will regress to the “doubting Gina” that goes through the motions again.  Yet, God is teaching me that fear really has no place in my life.  Can I grow in this area?  Absolutely!  But I can tell you this with full confidence – I am learning, and I am not alone!  Jesus is my wingman and I am on a glorious journey!

Update and Upgrade and Yeah…….

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

Well, if this blog is any indication, I have been BUSY lately!  I know many of you have been busy too so you understand how it is. But the EXCITING part that the busy-ness was not all bad, but many tasks or events were AWESOME in nature and that is great.

One big even this week was Zack’s nasal surgery.  There were LOTS of items done because the poor kid’s nose was 99% blocked.  Makes me feel bad for all the times I told him not to chew with his mouth open!  Doh!  His surgery was on Wednesday and a bit rough at times, but he is making progress each day and made it through the painful recovery days.  We are praying and believing he will have a FULL reovery and the procedure took care of the blockage!

Great things are happening at our church as well.  Deana and I are blessed over and over again spiritually, emotionally, and physically by this body of believers that have become more like family.  It is comforting to know they have our backs, aren’t afraid to correct us or guide us, and love us and our kids.  We have grown in the Lord SO MUCH and we are so thankful!

On that note, check out a recent special worship song at the church here:

More big news is that Kirstie is moving to Texas!  Just days away and we are very excited!  We are praying that things fall into place for her here; that she finds a job, finds her own place, etc.  I will update you on this for sure!

So that’s what I have right now!

Being Whole vs Being Perfect, Part 4 & 5

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

This is a continuation of the sermon series recap taught by Pastor Bob Barker from Crossroads Community Church.  See previous posts from steps 1-3!

The 4th step in becoming a Whole Person and Christian, as modeled after the 12 step program many people who are addicted to substances go through, loosely states, “Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”.  Pastor put it this way, “list your own faults.”

It makes sense that Pastor shared that, too often, people going through the 12 step recovery process leave programs at this step.  While we can often admit we’re powerless, that we need God to change, and that God is really the one who implements the needed changes in our lives…….going beyond that is more difficult.  Putting it down, in black and white….listing our FAULTS is another thing all together.  As Pastor shared – and as I fully acknowledged in my own life – many of us lie about ourselves or present a very fake/created front to survive.  And when you live like that, it usually involves so many lies that – when you begin to unravel them in this process – more lies come to light.  Pastor Bob likened it to the Wizard of Oz, who presented this omnipotent ruler and provider for a nation, but really was a little man that knew how to put on a good show.

I am that person on many levels.  SoI fully admit that breaking down the lies, then listing the faults associated with the lies (my very life) can be very intimidating!  And yet, even the Bible encourages this self-review!  Lamentations 3:40 says, “Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.”

And it doesn’t stop there – you really need to WRITE THEM DOWN!  And once written down, sharing them with GOD and one other person is necessary- which is Step 5.  Loosely stated, this step says, “Admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”  Can you say OUCH?  Pastor added that it takes real discipline to be able to confess our wrongs!  But it is SO important to stop the cycle that got us there in the first place AND to break the chains that hold us back.  The things that harbored resentment in us, maybe even as children, turns into denial as we age.  What does that mean?  Well, as I mentioned earlier, when you begin to list your faults, you realize it begins the unraveling process as more and more faults come to mind.  And to consider SHARING those faults with God (who really, by the way, will NOT be surprised in hearing them!) and one other person will certainly open a “can of worms”.  So often, as adults caught in a horrible cycle, we prefer to deny that we have any issues and leave well enough alone.  So it’s important to realize that when we RESENT things or people (those who have turned their back on you, for those who attacked you……the list goes on.) it can create JUSTIFICATION in your poor behavior and adds to your faults.  And most importantly, resentment hurts YOU, not THEM!

Resentment breeds diseases in our lives (physical, mental).  In manifests itself in perceptions such as feeling injured, violated, left out.  So how can I really start to break those chains?  Think about the resentment you have in your life and how it affects your life.  Write down something like this:

I resent xxxxxx because xxxxxxx.  This affects my self esteem.

I seek approval from my friends to make me feel better about myself.  This affects my relationships with them.

I rescue others/please others to be loved.  This builds resentment when they don’t xxxxxxxx.

Try this yourself to help break the chains of faults and resentments in your life.  Stop the cycle of perfection (or whatever your “presentation” is) and move to being whole as God intended you to be!

Being Whole versus Being Perfect, Part 3

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

This is a continuation and final installment of the sermon I heard at Crossroads Community Church this week, given by Pastor Robert Barker.

In the first two installments of this sermon recap, I shared that my struggles with trying to be perfect creates the need to break this dysfunctional cycle in my life.  Based on most 12 step programs, there are several truths to making this change.

Step 1 – I am powerless

Step 2 – I need the faith that I can be changed by God’s Power

If you’ve ever attended a 12 step program or have access to most lists on the internet, it’s easy to see that Step 3 says something like, “Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God”.  Pastor Bob put it this way, “Let God be in charge”.  Wow, what a profound yet simple concept!  And yet, for years I said the words and did little to allow God to guide me (even though I really have no power to stop Him!).

As Pastor was sharing this concept, as well as his own struggle with the presentation of “perfection” that I so resonate with, I allowed my memory to scan the last 20 or so years of my life.  I quickly realize I DID have some growth I could smile about and that was a blessing.  Yet, I also have to admit there have been many more areas where I continue to hold onto the lame comfort of my own efforts at this thing I like to call perfection, but in truth is a very weak film of fakeness.  I’ve been over that in depth the last few days here on this blog.  🙂

And yet, before I could begin to feel dejected by my own shortcomings, Pastor began to preach the Word.  We turned to Romans 12:1-2, which says, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Most of my Christian life has translated this verse like this – do not be like non-Christians.  Present yourself as holy, set a good example for non-believers, be a good picture as God’s Ambassador.

Given my struggle with presenting one thing……of being perfect and all that…….can you see where my translation of this verse was skewed by my dysfunction?  Can you see that it added to the perpetuation of the very thing I KNEW God was trying to break in my life?

But have no fear, Pastor Bob explained this verse to me and the others in attendance Sunday, and it broke so many mental chains for me that I have been shaking my head with joy and appreciation since!

Here is how Pastor explained it – don’t “fit in”.  Don’t conform to our cultures to present what we think we need to be to fit in.  Do not give people what they demand based on their OWN perception of things!  Instead, give all you are INSIDE – give the TRUE YOU – to God!  That’s all we need to do!  And before we know it, the authentic people inside (whether good, bad, or ugly) will begin to realize our powerlessness (step 1), will begin to trust God to take care of our shortcomings (step 2), and will give the reins to God (step 3).  And, I might add that He will NEVER shut His door on ANYONE!  “Come as your are” brings a whole new dimension to this amazing interaction that God is so excited to enter into with you and me!

Wow.  You mean, truly, that the INSIDE of my life can really REALLY match what others see on the OUTSIDE?  It’s not just a happy concept that everyone talks about but no one does?  I don’t have to hide, lie, present anymore? TRUE!

Yes, truly, that is what the Bible says.  That is what Pastor Bob was so wonderful to share with us, with ME.  And the Truth is more than a concept!  The Truth, as most admit, sets you free!

So today, think on the fact that this exodus of your spirit can happen – whatever it is in YOUR life that is holding you back can begin to change with these three steps.  I can’t speak to the amazing transformative areas of the next steps, because I haven’t learned them yet!  🙂  But already my life has changed alarmingly and gloriously in that last few days, and I pray that you can partake in this joy as well!

Being Whole versus Being Perfect, Step 2

/ Gina Marie / Leave a comment

This is a continuation of the sermon I heard at Crossroads Community Church this week, given by Pastor Robert Barker.

I posted yesterday that I struggle with attempting to be perfect, and in large part it started because I needed to create a presentation to the world to hide the struggle of my life from those around me.  Yet, Pastor reminded me that my cycle of dysfunction could begin to change once I admitted I couldn’t do it without God’s help.

Step 2 in the process builds on that – because knowing you NEED God is very different than accepting by faith that God can totally fix things!  Pastor said it this way, “Step 2 is the faith that we can change by God’s Power.”

As a began to realize that my dysfunction was being a perfectionist, the first thing I realized was that I don’t LIKE to rely on others!  I mean, part of being perfect is being able to take care of yourself, and I am sorry……..my solution needs to be BETTER than others!  So why would I ASK for help and why would I EXPECT that help to be better than what I could do on my own in the first place?  So, steps 1 (I am powerless) and step 2 (God can change me) are not concepts that I immediately, truly embraced.  Those concepts were truly – and often remain – in direct conflict with the image and personal ethos that I have carried with me for decades.  Oh, I could nod my head with the best of them, because remember “being perfect” in large part involves presenting an image to those around me.  So, I admit to you that FOR YEARS I said I couldn’t make it without God, and even said I believed He could fix me……..yet I didn’t accept that.  I didn’t WANT to accept that in many areas of my life.  I held onto my perfectionism, held onto my image, and was slowly dying inside because – really – I didn’t believe ANYONE could fix me…….even God!  Again, it was a two sided coin – I had begun to believe the image I presented to those around me (I am perfect and had everything under control) while deep down I loathed myself for the truth I didn’t want to face (you are so NOT perfect, and a fake to boot, and basically a hopeless case).

Maybe you have something in your life that you KNOW needs to change.  Maybe it’s a simple thing that’s gotten out of hand.  Maybe it’s a perpetuated image like mine that is 100% false but is 100% ingrained into who you ARE to everyone around you.  Maybe, in theory, you agree with me that you can’t change even though you may admit you need to.  You may even believe, in theory, that God’s Power can be the fuel to begin the change in your life.  But, then you start the implementation of the change and……….falter.  Stagnate.  And the dysfunctional cycle, so close to you and so a PART of you, continues to thrive.

Phil 2:13 says, “for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”

Today, I suggest you don’t look at the end and perhaps think, “Wow, I have such a long way to go to be healthy.  IT IS TOO MUCH!”  Instead, don’t look at anything but God.  Pray that HE gives you the faith that HE can change you!  Pray that HE wills and acts in you!  And not just for YOUR blessing (which, amazingly, He does care about in great detail!), but for HIS PURPOSE!  And as you begin to grow in faith and maybe stop looking at yourself so much, you begin to realize things ARE changing!  At least, that was my experience!

Being Whole versus Being Perfect, Step 1

/ Gina Marie / 1 Comment

This post was inspired heavily by the sermon I heard at my church, Crossroads Community Church, by Pastor Robert Barker.

Some of you may have heard my testimony before, many of you have not. I accepted Jesus when I was 16, an age that is often difficult for most people as you juggle youth, growing up, fitting in, varying responsibilities. You know what I am talking about because you lived it to some extent, too.

Even at the young age of 16, I had already put on the garments of trying to be perfect. I carried A LOT of responsibility at home (writing checks for bills, cooking dinner, listening to conversations with my mother that I never should have heard, etc.), I carried a lot of responsibility at school (lots of extra classes, always got the good grades, etc) I did side work here and there (cleaning houses, working at my mom’s real estate office) and so on and so forth. Looking back I know that I did that to some extent to cope with many dysfunctions in my life. But yesterday, at church, my Pastor’s sermon brought a whole new level of understanding of my actions.

For, you see, I was desperately trying to cope in a family that had issues – and let’s face it people, everyone reading this had some sort of issue in their family. It may have been parents that lived during the depressions that worked and worked and worked and never spent any money. It may have even been the garments of perfection to the outside world I am describing here!  You get the drill. My family was not BAD. Get it? Anyway, added to the family dynamic was the fact that I was realizing my own issues – attraction to girls. So the pressure to develop an image that people would notice instead of my huge flaw (as I saw it at the time) was subconscious but very real for me. So I worked hard at school, I tried to be the model daughter, I wanted to be perfect so that THIS would be the noticeable feature to all around me.

And, as anyone who has presented to the world a person that was very different from the one that existed INSIDE, you realize that at some point you can’t stop putting on that mask. At some point you may even forget its a mask at all…..you may even start believing the lie that you’ve worked so hard to present to the world. Then there are days where it takes SO MUCH energy to put that mask on, it costs so much emotionally and physically and spiritually, but you’re too far into the lie to turn back. And that’s a painful place to be. And on those days, the self loathing is so overwhelming, because the truth of the lie stares you in the face and you KNOW that there is not one good thing about you! Maybe because the truth makes it so, or maybe because the lie that has been so expertly perfected is so truly horrendous. And good liars/presenters – even necessitated to cope and survive – know that this presentation of the lie is a shame all to itself.

My Pastor reminded me of that.

So that’s where the 12 Step Program comes in. I have touched on this area before in my life, as I walked through one with a beloved family member who broke the chains of addiction over 15 years ago. I learned SO MUCH about myself, my family member, along with my brother who went through the process at that time as well. Yet, often when you think of these steps you think of drug or alcohol addicts needing it. But let’s again agree – EVERYONE can have cycles in their lives that are not healthy. And I am one of those people…….

Step 1 loosely translates for our purposes as “we admit we were powerless over our dysfunction—that our lives had become unmanageable.” I love the way my Pastor put it, “we are powerless.”

Romans 7:17-20 helps us to see the phenomenon. The Apostle Paul, revered by so many Christians for centuries, understood this as well. He writes, “As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” We KNOW what we are doing is wrong, we even THINK about doing right, but yet we still do wrong.

There’s something freeing in admitting all my fake efforts, that really only work at perpetuating a lie that is hard to sustain, have been done before me by others!  And that there is a way to break this cycle!  And the first step in doing so is to say, I can’t break that cycle without God.  HE can help me, because even as I sit here and say I want to break it, I know I can’t.  And it’s hugely freeing to admit that!

So I urge you to take a look at your life today and ask, “Do I need the peace of the Lord in this area of my life?”  Is there a piece of your life that can be hugely replaced by the Peace of God, all by saying, “I can’t do this Lord, I need you”?  Maybe you’re not a perfectionist like I fight to be, but what is stopping you from knowing the wholeness God fully intended for you?  God can help!

Next, Step 2……………………..